Sooooo. How’s it going? What’s new in your worlds? How’s life? Kids and pets doing ok?
Nothing really new to report here. Things are like totally super boring in my world. No news. So maybe I’ll just wrap this up quickly. Nothing to see here. In fact, feel free to move along…
No really: Move along. It’ll be better for both of us.
Well…actually, perhaps I do have something to write about. Just a little topic really. No big deal at all. In fact, if you’d rather not read this post, feel free to find something else to peruse. Perhaps you have a Sky Mall lying around? A horoscope page from your Sunday paper? The latest Enquirer that your “crazy cat-lady neighbor” gave you? (Or so you tell your friends, at least…)
What’s that? You’re still here. Crap — was sorta hoping to distract your attention from this post with my amazingly adept written sleight of hand.
OK, so here’s the deal. You’ve all heard of Shania Twain, right? You’ve probably even seen her on the talk show circuit of late, dishing about her divorce from her mutt-like hubby and her even bigger dog of a best friend. Her very married BFF, it turns out, was allegedly having an affair with Dear Husband (also her music producer, Mutt Lange) while Shania was telling Dear Bestie all of her deepest darkest insecurities — including the idea that she feared he was having an affair.
But Bestie kept mute. All while keeping Mutt on the side. Ick.
As a woman who endured betrayal, I can relate — as many of us can (though few of us probably received that extra helping of crazy served up by the villainous BFF). Shania recently released a book with copious divorce deets, and in it, she revealed how in the aftermath of those dark days of learning about the betrayal, she turned to the one man who could relate to how she was feeling entirely.
The husband of the woman who was having the affair with her husband.
Yes, you can probably see where this one is going: The crazy train just keeps chugging down that track, as Shania and the ex of the ex-husband’s now-lover hooked up — and ultimately got married. Complete with a beach, sunset, crashing waves, a flowing white dress (no poop in sight!) and a whopping dose of happily ever after.
I know, right? Totally creepy and bizarro. Just like Wife Swap — only more confusing-er. I mean, you need a bouncing ball to follow that shit. Who would do that, you’re all thinking to yourselves. Right?
Um. OK. Well, that’s where the confession alluded to in the headline comes into play…
Only here’s my plan. I’m going to do exactly what my kids do when they confess something, screaming and urgently and breathlessly ramming everything together into a giant gelatinous blob of verbal vomit. The chunky but runny kind:
(Hehehe. Did you see the word “SEX” in there? Not even intentional… Hehehe.)
Anyhow, in case you don’t speak verbal vomit, here’s the translation:
I dated my ex’s ex-ex’s ex.
And yes, I can see how that many ex’s — definitely equals a “why”? In hindsight it does, at least. But of course, there’s a back story.
As you may or may not be aware depending on your level of involvement in my sordid little tale, my ex left me for his ex. They initially started dating in their hometown in Oregon during their early teen years and came to Nevada about four years later after brief stints in college. He and I then met while working together at a radio station while I was in college, they broke up and we became an item — an item for three years prior to our marriage.
Almost 14 years later, apparently he found himself longing to “bark” up that same old “tree,” so he returned to her, his ex-ex…an appropriate double negative, which we all know from middle school algebra actually equals a positive.
During much of the time of their separation and our dating, my ex’s ex-ex remained in my town. She did ultimately move away — far, far away, where she met her future husband. In another state. Not even ATTACHED to our contiguous United States. And in a
seemingly well-planned strategic move bizarre twist of fate, she and her hubby ended up back in Nevada, in a city where neither had any family connections nor real ties to speak of. A few blocks away from us. And in an even crazier seemingly well-planned strategic move bizarre twist of fate, she had children at almost the exact same time as I did.
Meaning of my school district’s 60+ elementary schools, our kids would end up in the same grades of the exact same school. Which is the site of the infamous flagpole, still proudly waving its colors, forever the erect icon of their blissful reunion.
So she left her future ex for my ex. My ex left me (his future ex) for his ex-ex (and now current). Confused yet?
After the brick discovery, I was at a loss for what to do, how to feel, what direction was up, etc. And even worse: My future ex would not even talk to me about what had happened, what hadn’t happened, how long the rendezvous (rendezvouses? rendezvi?) were taking place, the extent of their involvement or anything else pertaining to the “barking” or the “tree.”
That’s some crazy-making shit right there, for anyone who’s been through that situation: Not knowing anything beyond knowing that there’s something to know.
So I did what any normal person in this anything-but-normal situation would do: Boxes o’ wine to the rescue!
Nah, not really. I had kids after all. Instead, I was expected to push through it like business as usual. Business as usual, that is, if my normal business were losing 30 pounds in one month from a diet consisting only of an occasional Diet Coke, waking up every mother-effing night at 3:42 a.m. on the dot (for a reason I still don’t understand) and constantly asking myself those debilitating, all-consuming questions in the aftermath of such a devastatingly unexpected loss.
Until, that is, the night at the ballpark. My son was playing fall ball that year, and so was her son. And since the exes mixed together my kids with her kids in a frenzied faux-family with the same lightning speed that one can successfully make a Cup O’ Noodles by simply adding hot water, we were all there together: Me, our kids, my Ex, his Ex-Ex, her Ex and their kids.
It was like some whacked-out Brady Bunch version of the dysfunctionally divorced. Only instead of Alice and the occasional appearance of creepy cousin Oliver, there were always a couple of inconvenient extra exes hanging around.
And there we were: the extra exes.
(To Be Continued…)
Well, there’s that silly little story. No big deal, right?
But in keeping with the dramatic theme, the Wife Swap meets Brady Bunchness of it all, I think it’s only appropriate to end this post with a cliffhanger. I know, I suck.
So feel free to take your guesses or make your assessments about any of the following in the comments below:
- Will dating the ex’s ex-ex’s ex resolve questions for the jilted former-lovers?
- Will the pastor make a long-awaited guest appearance in the next post?
- Who wants to bitch slap me for thinking this was a good idea?
- Do you know anyone with a bat-shit crazier divorce than mine? (Besides Shania, that is…)
- Is Boyfriend Brett the ex’s ex-ex’s ex? Or is he really the maniacal resurrection of the demonically-possessed alter-ego of Hugh Grant’s evil twin brother?
Enquiring minds want to know…
And just in case you were wondering — according to my “crazy cat-lady neighbor” and her weekly dose of national news: Kiefer Sutherland? Totally not gay…
OMG! Lol! I cannot wait to read the next part.
Welll, up until this, I thought we had equally bat-shit crazy divorces. I cannot say I have dated her ex… there are so many lies, I do not even know who her ex is. All I know is that I was told she was still married in December, but now, in counseling, he said she divorced in November and did not tell him until February.
I know, real stable and trusting relationship there, if that is true!
Anyho… The way I look at it, if it helped you sort out things, if it brought you companionship in a time when you were so freaking lonely and isolated (because no one can really relate unless they have lived with the lies and the psychotic reality) or even if you just had some fun… good for you! As an added bonus, if it drove either of them mental, WOOT!
Yeah, pretty crazy, I know…
But I own it. And I make no apologies — with the heaping helping of post-brick crazy, I needed answers. They practically drove me to his door, pushed me out of the car and escorted me into that relationship…
What is up with the people and the lies, anyhow? I’m so sorry for your ordeal. Still. Ugh.
Thanks so much for the comment — and yeah, it drove them VERY VERY VERY crazy. More on that in the next installment.
1. No, 2. Uhhhh, no???, 3. Nahhhh, life is too short to play the straw-man game. As long as you are happy and ok in the “Hooker and Divorce Capital”, that’s what is important, 4. Yep, every divorce seems to have a BSC-like quality. But then again, all relationships can have a BSC-like quality of their own.
And the answer to 5. Damn, this had it’s own spoiler like alert. Really could BF Brett be the ex’s ex-ex’s ex? WTF? Is that still considered “strange” or is that “Lewis & Clark-ing” the same territory.
I guess I’ll just have to stay tuned for next week’s show.
1. Where were you three years ago when I needed this answer?
2. Hmmm…we’ll see…
3. How many times do I have to tell you: We’re the “Whore-pital of the West.” Get it right, will ya? It’s like a hospital…with more diseases…
4. So true.
5. Wait and see…and adding an even stranger dimension to the already incestuous nature of the crazy story, I’m actually related to William Rogers Clark of “Lewis and Clark” (he’s like my dad’s second cousin’s fifth uncle’s monkey or something similar). So you’re adding incest to incest, my friend. How bizarre is that. Once again: You can’t make this shit up!
All I can say is, “GET OUT!” *commence Elaine shove*
I needed that — about three years ago. Thanks a whole lot, babe…
Really, Ricky Martin!?!?! haha.. great post.
I know, right? I’m still reeling from that revelation. My whole world view is shot…
Absolutely great post. I really love your writing style. Is that a bad thing? That I enjoy reading about your bat-shit crazy divorce? True stories are always the best, and I always have to add in parenthesis that (I’m not making this shit up.) I know you aren’t making this shit up for that reason.
Can’t wait to learn more of the sordid details.
Aw shucks. Thank you! And no, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you like my writing style. In fact, that just means you’re part of the cool crowd…now make up a secret handshake for us, will ya?
Sadly, the truth is stranger than fiction. And I had to share this story — because it’s definitely gonna make it into the screenplay. And I couldn’t stand the thought of my loyal readers being blindsided by this crazy story…
Thanks for stopping by and reading. Tune in next time for more of the same!
Ha! Another example of the phrase I coined and should copyright– “The Adultery Diet”. This is when a married woman suddenly and (seemingly) inexplicably drops a lot of weight. Occurs upon discovery of her husband’s affair. They don’t give you this option at Jenny Craig.
Totally — you should copyright this one. It’s a crazy diet — I think I’d prefer Jenny Craig, but then again, I’m sure it’s not as effective. Probably a bit healthier, though…
And I thought I had the monopoly on fucked up! Try dad announcing he’s gay while watching TV and then mother having a proper vodka breakdown. Naturally I married the first man I met which lasted 18 months. Then I ran away to Spain with my boss. That’s the short story anyway! Thanks for visiting my blog so i could find yours!
It’s amazing how many of us have these stories to share — and isn’t it fun to know we’re not alone?
Please please PLEASE tell me there’s more of this story on your blog? That’s some good stuff right there … I do hope you’re happy and thriving despite the fucked-up false start. Ugh.
I’m glad you found me — hope to see you around here again!
My brain hurts.
I knew it would.
Sending virtual Advil your way…
What’s really crazy? I’ve heard this story before. Only with different ex-ex’s. Truth is always stranger than fiction it seems!
I can’t wait to hear the next chapter!
Exactly. Shania isn’t the only one. I’m not the only one. And if you think about it — I mean, really think about it (John, from the comment just above, is excused from this exercise because his brain hurts), it makes sense in a bizarre musical chairs kinda way.
We both went through the same thing. With the same people. And if our exes found us attractive enough to marry, then chances are we’d find their exes attractive by some crazy transitive property. Right? Right? (she asks, sheepishly…)
Thanks for stopping by, Annie!
I love this post!
1) I think that dating your ex-ex’s ex probably did answer some questions as the two of your could compare notes and figure out lies from truth.
2) That would be great! I always wondered what the hell he said to you.
3) We all do the best we can with what we are dealt.
4) I always thought my situation was unusual as I too am with an Ex-ex but I now realize it is pretty common. I know why we broke up – his mother got involved – but I have always wondered why your Ex and Marilyn broke up. Where you the reason and to her this is all payback?
5)I am pretty sure I know the answer to this as I have suffered through Marilyn’s blog but I won’t be a spoiler. I knew you had dated her Ex as she does talk about it on her blog.
Thanks for the funny update!
Thanks, Michele! Some responses:
1. So true. And man, were there answers… (some I wished I’d never learned)
2. Perhaps you will find out! 😉
3. Absolutely. It was a bizarre situation that inspired an equally bizarre result or two. But I don’t apologize for it — it was part of the process!
4. I’m quite confident she sees me as the reason for the break-up, even though he was in total control of his decisions. (Despite rumors to the contrary, I do NOT practice Black Magic. That often.) If she wants to pay anyone back, I wish she’d focus on the reason (him) instead of the bystander (me) and the complete innocents (my children).
5. Sorry for the suffering. Glad you survived! And yes, she talks about it — ad nauseum to anyone who will listen. Even though it’s such a drop in the bucket compared to the giant pool they brought to the situation…
Glad you enjoyed — thanks for stopping by!
I have seen this before…the people for whom my sister babysat got divorced because the father was having A Thing with the next-door neighbor and left his wife to marry her. The wife developed a friendship with the similarly-abandoned next-door husband and they eventually got married too. Their marriage is delightful and has lasted for years, while the Marriage of Affair Love broke up a few years after they married in the first place. HA-ha!
So yes, I totally understand this. You guys were in the same boat. Speaking the same language. Stranded on the same island. Pick your metaphor.
I love your story — such karma exhibited there! I know this isn’t all too uncommon a situation, but you can only imagine the discomfort it inspired in our exes. It seems those who betray may not be in favor of corroboration…
Great metaphors. How about “swatting at the same annoying bats”? Works for me… 😉
I can’t for one second believe you didn’t know that Ricky Martin was gay…
Ok – and now – I want the rest of the story.
Don’t leave us hanging…
I’m in total shock. Dismayed, forlorn and disheartened at the prospect that I will never be the object of Ricky Martin’s affection. (In the same forlorn way as when I finally realized I would not be the next Bachelorette, that is..)
Oh, I’m typing. Lots and lots of typing. So many freelance assignments — so little time for the blog. It might be a month or two…maybe even three.
1. Nah, very doubtful (a rebound event?)
2. Yes, mentioned previously, gonna give us more?
3. NEVER! I just wanna give you a BIG hug! 🙂
(maybe caress those supple legs and feet too…OOPS) 😉
4. not that I know of, but all divorces are not fun
Waiting for the fill-in to…the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey used to say.
Your writing is as witty as ever! Now you give us a cliffhanger? Like you really wanted us to go away? Right!
1. Maybe so. Sigh…
2. Perhaps. If you all ask nicely, thta is.
3. Aw shucks — much appreciated (and I’ll just ignore the supple legs obsession…) 😉
4. True dat.
5. Neither? Wow…
Thanks so much for the great feedback, Harold — you rock!
AHHH!! I can’t wait to hear the rest. WOW. I really think Marilyn was probably stalking you and your ex for years, planning her attack (what a piece of work, I almost feel bad for your ex…well not really). I don’t blame you for dating her ex, you were probably still at the point where you were looking for answers. Can’t wait for the rest, don’t leave us hanging to long.
Finally figured out how to log in w/ facebook!!
Woohoo! I’m glad it worked for you…
Yeah…let’s not go as far as pitying the ex. I think they both have exactly what they deserve. And I only wish them luck…
Thanks so much for the support — you guys are being so awesome. I was really fearing harsh judgment, but instead, you all seem to understand. Yay!
The unlogged in Dana above and below is me too, forgot to click the sign in.
Anyway, I don’t think anyone could judge you, especially what those did!! Looking forward to the rest of the story!
I figured … but it’s nice to see your face, too!
I’m just grateful I haven’t gotten any feedback essentially saying, “You make me sick, and I’d like to punch you in the throat!” or similar. 😉
You just reminded me of something. I used to work with a woman who had a brother and a sister. The sisters husband left her to marry her brother’s wife. It was really weird!
Now THAT’S just crazy. And totally a plotline of a sitcom! 🙂
Or a Jerry Springer eppy 🙂
1. I dunno . . . but I’ll be here for the next installment . . .
2. I dunno . . . but I’ll be here for the next installment . . .
3. Are dudes allowed to bitch-slap? I don’t think we are. Especially really tall dudes. We’d look like bullies, right?
4. I know one possible contender, and she happens to be my ex from 25 year ago. I wrote a novel about her. You can buy it on Amazon. But that’s all I’m going to say about that. Srsly.
5. If you get a crack at Hugh Grant, you take it. Duh.
1. Excellent! Bring wine.
2. Excellent! Bring wine.
3. Ah, but I didn’t ask you if you would bitch slap me…only if you wanted to. Tall dudes can want to bitch slap anyone they choose.
4. You’re not even going to tell us the name of said novel? You’re going to make us go all Perry Mason to uncover that story? I’m totally tempted…
5. But there was that whole Divine thing. You know, the prostitute? He cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with a hooker named Divine — who seemed anything but. Now that’s bat-shit crazy!
SEX isn’t the only word in your super long run-on sentence there. SEX ACT actually appears, which had me practically salivating over the direction this post was presumably headed.
Until you threw out the words “not” and “intentional.”
Sigh. Has there ever been a bigger letdown in the history of blogging?!
What’s this? I give you the most titillating story ever — part Wife Swap, part musical chairs. Not just a love triangle, but a LOVE SQUARE. And here you are complaining to me?!?! Whining about how I’ve let you down?!?!
You’re dead to me, Petruska. This monkey won’t dance for you any more.
(Yeah, actually, I totally will. Just tune in next time. What if I throw in a sex act in the next post, just for you?)
Then I’d say, hurry up and post it! 🙂
I do appreciate the love square, and the use of the word titillating to describe it.
…anything for you, Mark. I’m glad you appreciated it!
Totally makes sense to me…even though I had to go back and re-read a few of the ‘ex’s’ to get up to speed:) Who would understand your situation better than the “tree’s” ex? Nobody! It must have made them VERY uncomfortable, and it must have made the whole parallel parenting concept quite interesting. I am definitely looking forward to Part 2!
Happy Friday to you too, Ashley — yay! 🙂
Yeah, there was a huge connection based on shared experience. And disbelief of our circumstances. And to be honest, it was also a byproduct of the surreal experience of all of us sitting on the bleachers together for baseball…he’s on one side with his kids in between him and his ex, I’m on the other with mine in between me and my ex, and the exes were constantly in the middle trying to keep us apart. Good times…
Thanks for pushing through the ex confusion. Like I’ve told so many people, you need a flowchart or a bouncing ball or Cliff’s Notes to understand this situation!
Jesus. This IS effed up. Answers to your questions:
1. No. But you might get some action and that is always a big plus.
3. I like your creativity and cajones, M. You don’t deserve a bitch slap, but not sure this is a good idea. Makes for good reading, tho.
5. Does it really matter? Go get some!
Effed up indeed — but so was our entire experience leading up to this first meeting! Just a crazy confluence of bizarro happenings…
1. True dat. Action = good!
2. You may find out…
3. Thanks, blogging friend! I appreciate the support — and your lack of desire to punch me in the throat.
5. See response to #1.
Hey Mikalee! I have to say I don’t find that you dated her ex husband strange. It makes a lot of sense actually. I too already knew you had dated him from her blog. She talked about it like you and her ex were doing something wrong. It was really strange. Why would she care? She married your husband.
Has anything happened lately regarding the kids? Her blog is especially obnoxious lately. She wrote an entire blog post just basically repeating the phrase ‘when your kids are in your ex’s house you have NO control over how they’re being parented. It was hard for me at first too but I HAD to get over it!’ She repeats this sentiment for 6 paragraphs like an insane person.
One last question. Why the hell does your ex have the house?
I agree Lola, Marilyn’s blog is so unbelievably self righteous. Everything she writes is her trying to convince everyone (or maybe herself!) how perfect her life is (whether it be her stellar eating habits, exercise routine, former mother in law who ‘adored’ her-ya right, distaste for those with bad hand washing techniques, or husband who is so concerned about her he MAKES he go to the doctor for unsightly moles). She always throws in jabs about ‘John’. I also thinks she has people she knows ask her fake questions so she can go on tirade’s about Mikalee in some of the comments section. It’s such a sad attempt. Anyway, I feel very bad for Mikalee having to deal with someone like that, and Mikalee should never let them stop her from writing her awesome blog!
…thank you so much, Dana! I appreciate the support — and commiseration…
And I promise her “writing” will never stop me from mine. It definitely doesn’t have any power over me — but it does provide a few good laughs, every now and then!
I couldn’t agree more. It’s so insanely transparent how far she reaches to somehow incorporate how much her husband loves her. Recently, she talked about how her husband lovingly brings her coffee every morning from his hands to hers, vom. It had absolutely nothing to do with what she was writing about. First of all, doesn’t everyone’s husband bring them coffee in the morning? And why does she feel the need to write about that in her blog? It’s so embarrassing…but it’s also embarrassing that I’m even reading anything she’s putting out there, ha.
Good points all around, Lola — what does it matter that I date her ex? Why should she care? Unless there’s something to hide…
I love your analysis of her new parallel parenting post … so true. Nothing really new with the kids: I think we’re in a honeymoonish period, post-courtroom drama. We’ll see!
And the ex got a house … definitely not the house. We had two homes, one of which was a rental. He got that one, I got the one we primarily lived in (much bigger, much newer). I’d love to get rid of it and start over fresh, but given our housing market (I live in the foreclosure capital of the country…seriously!), it’s just not a good time. Sadly…
Thanks for the great comment — as always! 🙂
Let’s be honest… we all love to read the details of a long, drawn-out confession. I can’t wait to hear alllll about the ex’s ex-ex’s ex ex ex ex-ex. Or something ;). I’ll be here for part 2!!
True enough. This is why tell-all memoirs are so intriguing, right?
I’m so glad you’re sticking around for the second act!
Somehow, I feel like I already knew this information… I must either be psychic or someone somewhere has gone on and on about how gross it was… 😉
It never fails to tickle my funny bone when people like pointing fingers at others while being oblivious of the fingers pointing back…
On another note…
RICKY MARTIN IS GAY?!?!?!?
I’m SO sorry to have been the bearer of such devastating, unbelievable news…but yes, apparently, he is gay. Sad, right? And shocking? 😉
ahaha!! Missed your posts full of awesomeness!
…as I missed your comments full of awesomeness! 😉
Thanks for being here, reading, enjoying and commenting!
Do I see a segment of Dr. Phil in the future??
EX, ex..ex..ex..excellent post!!
Perhaps. Though I’m not sure he’d even want to touch this story with a 10-foot pole. Too many “exes” to keep up with — may not make for great TV with Dr. Phil just staring at me, slackjawed and confused…
Thanks for the comment!
Ok, Mikalee, here’s the comment you were fishing for.
Are we talking banjos, Appalachia, recessive genes here? Ain’tcha never laid eyes on them fellas over in the next holler?
Got that out of the way.
Or is it more like royal families, hemophilia?
But seriously, unless the pictures of you here are heavily shopped and you’re hiding something hideous, you have a lot to choose from.
Hahaha! I can imagine you all reading this post with Deliverance banjo picking playing in the background!
Yeah, I know: Shoulda looked outside of my immediate circle. But we had so much in COMMON! (perhaps too much, hence your hemophilia connection…) 😉
Thanks for the feedack, even if it cut me to the quick — LOL. And nope, I don’t even own Photoshop nor know how to alter images — you can see the top pic in the “Hey Divorce, I Found Your Groove” post for proof of that.
What?? A cliffhanger? In a blog? NO FAIR! This is why I don’t watch TV!!
🙂 Looking forward to the rest…
Haha, and for anyone who has no idea….
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I WATCH TV, probably anyway. I just don’t want your thousands of readers to think I’m one of those weird people who don’t watch TV and say it all proudly at parties, “Oh, we stopped watching TV. Yep, cancelled cable. Wasn’t good for the kids. Now we can read more and play games.” I am not that girl. I’m thinking of ordering MORE TV so I can get additional channels.
Just had to clarify… that “I don’t watch TV” comment was sarcasm…not sure I expressed it properly. Whew.
…you’re TOO funny! I would definitely never imagine you as one of those pretentious, aloof non-TV watchers. But the clarification was funny and enlightening!
Personally, I don’t watch “Real Housewives” … unless I’m on the elliptical at the gym. For some reason, that excuses me from the label of banal TV watcher. Instead, I’m a healthy banal TV watcher, which totally helps me feel better about myself.
I’m glad you’re awaiting the next installment. Hopefully it doesn’t disappoint (as so many sequels do these days…have you seen Transformers 3? AWFUL…).
first of all – I am very confused, too many exes which are hurdling my English-is-not-my-first-language brain. Please, consider the international audience.
second of all – I am totally proud of you for doing the dirty (hopefully lots of times) with the ex of your ex’s ex-ex (yay, look at me go).
I hope your current boy toy is not said ex of your ex’s ex-ex, as this will mean that you have managed to score lots after your ex., which is something I always encourage
LOL! Totally guilty of not considering the international audience — my sincere apologies! But you do seem to have it handled, given your accurate assessment within the comment. Bravo!
Hopefully you’ll stick around for the next installment, which is mere moments (hours? days? weeks?) away. Hehehe…
Another casualty,. If there’s safety in numbers you’re looking real normal… Not that I ever want to mention Tiger’s name on here. But since I have, karma’s a wonderful thing, don’t ya think.? Just sayin….
Boyfriend Brett’s the white knight, unless he ends up running away with Ricky Martin. Well, bat shit crazy knows no bounds round here!
Oh. My. GOD! And here I did a whole side-by-side comparison chart detailing my similarities to Elin Woods…the bizarre just keeps getting bizarre-er!
And I’ll definitely have to alert Boyfriend Brett to your concerns…and be on the lookout myself. You just never know…
And now I’ve read Elin was blindsided with the news that Billionaire Jamie Dingdong had been hooking up, shagging the professional Pubic- Relations “borderline disordered-“U-should -tell’ (and she did) when she was also hooring around with, err… “doing PR work”, with professional porno-ho-monger Tiger, etc. This happened before all this relations-shit hit the fire hydrant with an Escalade.
It appears that $$$ JD was notching his belt by seducing Tiger’s EX. WOW how deceitful.
Well, it is good to know Elin didn’t knowingly get involved with her Ex’s ex-hoor’s Ex !
Hahaha!! Love it!!
I’ve learned that you should never get entangled with a BPD-Borderline-crazy woman’s EX-husband. There obviously is a psycho-loyalty bond that lingers .
Call it; Shell-shocked-Stockholm-syndrome-still fucked up because- I loved her completely -and don’t know why I disappointed her -as she needed to stalk and procreate with other sperm donors- But let me keep paying her big money–so she will love me again—I am not an idiot doormat.
Early on in my gas-lighting, brick-throwing, rug-pulled-out-from-under-my-feet exposure of my ordeal phase, I met (at DISNEYWORLD)-my husband’s-Soon to be-EX-hoor’s-future-ex-husband-(STBeX)-who’s-adulterous-wife-was-simultaneously-shagging-my-husband (out in LA)… for drinks&dinner to discuss their inappropriate relations-shit.
4 bottles of leaping frog-wine later, unable to drive, guess who woke up with a hoor-STBX hovering over me. Oh well, given that my STBeX was shagging his STBeX (I thought) why the hell not. This was revenge, and somewhere in the irrational rationalizing, it seemed appropriate to discover-know what the hell was missing from her STBeX’s abilities to compete at Pleasure Island.
Long story short… Hoor’s Hubby was just there to get revenge on my husband, taking advantage of the confused wife-suffering from concussions from brick-throwing and gas-lighting. He stayed married to hoor-soon to be a babymama-hoor, for 6 more years !
OOPs…. well in an effort to drive my husband away, after I discovered he was a sperm donor… I informed him of the DISNEYWORLD adventure. That still didn’t end or marriage.
But it did relieve my need to confess. I’m Catholic after all. PS it was a one time- brain lapse. So I live to pass along this advise. No good comes out of engaging with the enemy’s former mentally emmeshed-STB-ex-spouse.
Does this EX story make any sense ???
It was a crazy time.
Crazy indeed…but this does seem to be a relatively common story, doesn’t it? Perhaps even more common than we know, considering some probably keep this under wraps.
I got dizzy with the swapping thing. crazy love and all. But my sympathy for those betrayed by the people who they love and trusted. unfaithfulness should never be tolerated. if someone don’t feel the spark anymore, be a man and exit honorably instead of adding more pain to the other partner. great post .
You’re ABSOLUTELY right. I have the hardest time with that aspect of it all: Why didn’t he respect me enough to simply offer the decency of honesty? I think that I as his wife of 11 years certainly deserved at least that…
Honesty can be hard. But it’s only RIGHT.
Thanks for the great comment,
Because he’d rather straddle that fence. Have his cake and eat it, too. Typical selfish, narcissist. 🙂
Think about it this way… his new bride, the “love of his life” wasn’t worth freeing himself of you to be with her. He had to get CAUGHT before he chose to be with her.
If he hadn’t been caught, I wonder how long he would have straddled that fence?
I would be plagued with that question if I were the “love of his life.”
True. But at this point, I’m fairly confident he probably wanted to get caught. That way, he wouldn’t have to do the hard work — just react to the discovery…
It just brings me back to the original premise I’ve always believed in and shared with those I have relationships with: If you don’t want to be with me, show some semblance of respect by making the “right” decision and simply sharing that information. It’s the hard way to do it — but it’s only the right way…
Right. Wrong. Psshh…it’s all relative. 😉
Personally, I think the ex’s-ex-ex-ex thing is poetic justice!
Poetic indeed…still trying to find a line in iambic pentameter in which I can use the “ex’s ex-ex’s ex”…
Let’s try it, shall we?
Here’s the goal:
da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM
Here’s my try:
I dated the ex of my ex-ex’s ex.
Crap…too many exes! 😉
Try something in Emily Dickinson’s “running meter”, which means it can be sung to:
The Yellow Rose of Texas,
I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, or
I’m inclined toward the last.
He and she were once a they,
and then that he was mine,
but she and he met up to buy,
a brick, the dirty swine…
I’m sure you can finish it, Mikalee.
You had to do this, didn’t you? Don’t you realize I have a day job?!?! And a successful freelance writing career?!?! And I’m trying to write my next damn post?!?!
Now all I’ve done all day was try to finish your darn lyrics! 😉
The brick hit me square between my eyes
and made me feel disgust.
But then the ex of the she of the pair
helped me gain back trust. (he helped me gain back trust…)
Pathetic, I know…but it’s all I got! I think I’ll stick to screenplay writing…
Good enough for a “family” show, I guess.
Bwahahahaha!! You ladies are toooo funny!
Ricky Martin? Gay? How did we miss the signs? Actually, the “dating your ex’s ex” thing happened to a friend of mine. He said it was because they always had so much to talk about, dishing on their ex’s. After the dust cleared, they realized that’s all they had in common, but he said it was a good way to move on for some ef’ed up reason.
Here’s my take on what happens next in your story: You agree to have a drink with the ex’s ex’s ex, he confesses his love for Ricky Martin, but is torn because he’s already in a relationship with Mutt Lange, who initially left Shania Twain for Keifer Sutherland. In your confusion, you leave the bar, get in an accident and can’t remember who you are…so you announce to the world that YOU’RE Shania Twain, collect a couple of grammys and go on to marry the guy that the real Shania’s BFF left behind for Mutt, who was already involved with Keifer Sutherland. At your son’s next baseball game, you’re hit in the head with a foul ball, and when you regain conciousness, you tell everyone that you’re a writer living in Nevada, and start to tell this incredible tale about learning of your husband’s infidelity through a brick. Doctors are concerned, but decide to delay treatment because, quite frankly, they’re entertained by the whole situation (expecially the penis tiara). I think that pretty much brings us up to date.
I actually think the dating your ex’s ex thing may be more common than anyone knows. There’s such a social stigma (“It’s just like Wife Swap,” I’d always hear…), and yet because of the shared experience, it can really be understandable. At least I hope — and given the overwhelming forgiving and supportive nature of your comments, I think I’m right in hoping!
And regarding your story analysis: I think the only thing you missed was the plastic surgery. And the demonic possession. Perhaps also an evil twin or two…
But it sure was good reading! You should consider soap opera story development as a future career option…
After such a batasscrazypants experience, any ex is fair play, I think. Can’t wait to find out more… This is MUCH more interesting than my latest pile of gossip mags 🙂
…but didn’t you hear: Paris Hilton stormed out of an interview with ABC News because the interviewer asked if she felt overshadowed by Kim Kardashian!!!! And an ex-staffer called Brittney Spears “disgusting” because she constantly did drugs and never showered!!! And Erik Dane (McSteamy from Grey’s) checked himself into drug rehab!!!!
(There’s five minutes I’ll never get back: Having to research “latest celebrity gossip.” You’re welcome…)
Actually, you may be right: My life seems pretty interesting compared to that crap… 😉
1. I’ll bet you got more answers than you bargained for. He probably needed some answers as well.
2. I certainly hope so. I’m waiting with baited breath to hear what the good clergyman said that could possibly mitigate, excuse, or explain the utter disregard these two people had for their children and spouses. I rather imagine he was advising you to take the high road and forgive. For your own good, of course.
3. Nope. Not me.
4. I googled and you’re still number one. Congratulations, I think.
5. No. You’ve moved on. I think what happened between you and the ex’s ex-ex’s ex was a perfectly understandable relationship based on mutual pain, confusion and many unanswered questions.
The damage these two incredibly selfish and immature people have caused in the lives of four innocent children and two unsuspecting former spouses is breathtaking. You wouldn’t want to “make a mistake and miss your fate” and since you’ve “spent your life doing the ‘right’ thing”, why wouldn’t you “throw caution to the wind and follow your dream”. Now THAT is verbal vomit.
1. You’re SO right. I was amazed at what I learned…and alarmed…and often felt the need to shower given the answers I truly never wanted to hear…
2. Hmmm…no spoilers here!
4. Thanks! I just got new business cards made for my writing and editing business, and I included my #1 Google ranking…I’m wearing that sucker like a badge of honor!
5. I’m so glad the majority of readers are coming down on this side of the whole situation … you can only imagine the pushback I got from certain “others” …
Verbal vomit indeed — totally digging your last paragraph, Joyce. I read it aloud to Boyfriend Brett, and he and I laughed hysterically! Thank YOU!
Have some taffy apple pizza, you’ll feel better ;). Or maybe your banana bread others are claiming as their own!
LOL! I do have the best “secret trick for killer banana bread” — that is now SOOO not a secret…
Jesus, your life is like a damn soap opera (as is Shania’s). Can’t wait to read the follow up!
I know, right? Just more support for the idea that you just can’t make this shit up — the truth is stranger than fiction for sure!
Thanks for the comment, Elle…
Sorry. This is more of a question than a comment (or a request to write a post about how you write). Do you have a process when it comes to writing? I mean…how long does it take you to write? Do you write and find yourself adding passages, drilling down, adding passages, drilling down…more drilling the words down…
….more adding and more drilling the words down…
…until, just maybe, you have something that you feel post worthy or magazine worthy?
I’m wondering how long it takes for someone who is in the business to finish a piece. I am not in the business but I find that it takes me interminably long to come up with something that I am happy with. So, I was wondering.
Good questions … though I’m quite sure everyone’s process is entirely different, so I’m not sure you’ll get much that might be applicable to you from my response. I work full time, have two children and have a freelance career that is busier now than ever before — so my writing time (for the blog, at least) comes in little tiny chunks. Which is why it currently takes me about 2 weeks between posts … ugh!
I’d love nothing more than to write more often for the blog; but as it is now, I start a post, typically writing in the “Drafts” folder of Gmail. This just seems the easiest place for me to access my work from mulitple places — including my iPhone, if I’m so inclined. Anyhow, I start with a concept (that usually comes to me in a dream, when I can’t sleep, from reading or experiencing something during the day or in the shower, oddly enough) and just start writing. And as you’ve indicated, I write and leave it behind, come back and edit some and write some more, drill down at a later time, etc.. I also keep a file (also in “Drafts” in Gmail) of words/phrases/topics that I just plain like or feel the need to cover. Right now, for example, the word “plucky” tops the list (I just love that word — don’t really know why)…
So that’s what my process is like. Granted, my posts are typically MUCH longer than most bloggers’ posts (because most are discrete stories, a.k.a. chapters of my book!), so they probably take a little more time than a typical blogger would devote. When I have the time, I can usually get a post done and proofed and edited with pictures included and tags, etc. in about 3-4 hours. But having those 3-4 hours to devote is not entirely practical given the current state of my life! Instead, it’s more like 15 minutes here and there…until I’m ready to post.
Anyone else want to share their processes? Like I said, it seems to be a highly individualized thing…
The one thing I think I can’t do is to hook up with my ex’s girlfriends ex. The last time I dropped my daughter off at home, as I was pulling out of the driveway, my ex was coming home. He stopped way down by the neighbor’s driveway with his turn signal on. As my boyfriend and I looked over, we saw that there was some skank ducked down in the passenger seat. Now we are all in our fifties (except her – his stupid midlife crisis and not even a good looking one) and have been apart for three years. I don’t even talk to him and I sure don’t want him back. I have to ask myself, is she so ugly that she doesn’t want me to see her. And if she is that ugly what does her ex look like? So I would be really hesitant about hooking up with my ex’s ex ex. Your thoughts?
Well, based on your description, you’re probably so healthy NOT to hook up with her ex!
I’m sure it all depends on inidividual circumstance. But it does stand to reason that if you take two couples, and half of each breaks up for the other half of the other couple, that the remaining halves would be about as attractive as the others. Right? Isn’t there some transitive property in algebra that speaks to this concept? 😉
Anyhow, this is certainly not something I would ever advocate…in fact, it was probably the one aspect of my life post-divorce that I wouldn’t repeat, if given the ability to re-do it all. But, as they say, “it was what it was.”
And it sure was.
Ahhh but there’s another algebraic equation that irks me that I haven’t seen a mention of yet on this all encompassing well-informed blog. The unwritten rule that says : ‘After childhood sweethearts have all hooked up and are off the market (first time rounders), anytime soon men should be able to pull chicks in 10 -15 years younger (given enough handsomeness, athleticism, power & money) ‘. This leaves dumpees (the woman kind here folks) being now attractive to men 15 years older than them.
This rule took me by surprise when I found myself in the dating world & lined up some yummy prospects just to see them trotting out girls 15 years younger than me. hummmpfff. Who made this rule? I know men are very visual & younger girls are mostly more attractive, but 60 year old men just wasn’t what I had in mind when I was suddenly single at 45. What good was common interests and personality if all the ‘good ones’ were choosing hot chickee babes??? humphh again. Life definitely isn’t fair. A big brick first that knocks you in the windpipe & then THIS RULE!!
I’m happily married now to a great guy, who luckily didn’t play by the rules, but if this is commonplace the ex ex ex (is that enough exes?) inevitable, temporary, information-gathering , grief-sharing tie up isn’t a happening thing for party D. (Unless they’re superhot like you are!) My ex did use this rule so I am 15 years older than her ex! This is still a pet hate of mine as I observe girls attracted to these ‘wonderful’ cheaters, I mean mature (yeah right) men. Thoughts anyone?
I see what you mean about the older men. It’s fine when you’re say 25 and he’s 40, but let me tell you from my own experience. Around age 45 or 50 his equipment probably won’t work very well- if at all- any more. I’m 42, he’s 54 and I’m not even happy about involuntary celibacy, believe that. If I were to be the type to start again (not likely because I do love the old fart even though Johnson’s taken a permanent vacation,) I’d have to subscribe to the Cougar Manifesto:
“If you want a good man, raise him yourself!”
In other words, I think a 42 year old woman should try to find herself a 25-30 year old “cub”!
Oooh, the Cougar Manifesto … love it!
Yet that just seems icky to me. When I divorced, the first younger man I dated was still in his 20s. I was 34. It felt bizarre… (but also good and affirming, in some ways!)
You know, I do hate to throw around generalizations, but I’ve seen a lot of this situation and my assessment has been this: The men are being used (and are generally ok with that, as long as they get to show off their hot POA to anyone whose path they cross) and the women are largely opportunists.
How can a woman look at a man who has cheated — even if he’s more “mature” and “experienced” — and fall in love? How could the trust in that relationship possibly evolve? So for both parties, it seems the compromise is simply to take advantage of the benefits they each get. And ignore the rest.
I find myself becoming more and more jaded as I see tons of young chickies with their giant diamond rings driving their Lexuses and “adoring” their husbands. Ick. I couldn’t do that…
Of course, I’m not exactly in that demograhic any more either. My “hot/older/experienced/cheater” man would be, like, almost 60. No thanks…
Ditto to the disgust… never could understand the attraction.
Unless it means the older man is popping blue pills , left and right increasing his odds for a heart attack to profit from, or that the young women use the man as a wealthy sperm donor. They are merely honest sperm stalkers. Procreation with high financial perks.
Also Sugar Daddys give opportunistic, narcissistic hot-chicks what they deserve, ya-know like …nice cars, prada bags and travel to exotic places… and maybe these women actually hate sex. They just like to eat well ???
Boy, do I see a lot of this in PALM BEACH ! and me being over 55 … i didn’t stand a chance if I divorced… which is why I keep the damaged package around… He may have been stupid going after the hot chick with an agenda, but he begs me to keep him as a useful fool. After a lot of deep pocket thinking I decided a Sure thing vs another discard with other baggage was more practical. He is now so trained, why throw him away.
As I have said to my kids, There is not one thing about my life that I would change. I look at it as i have had one hell of a ride. All the craziness, bad times and good times..they are what life is made of.
Absolutely right. Every once in a while I get that twinge of “If only I hadn’t married him…or believed him…or had children with him…” But if I didn’t do any of the above, I wouldn’t have my incredible, amazing, crazy cool kiddos!
I’m grateful for it all. Hell, I’m even grateful for the brick. If it had just been an email I discovered, the story wouldn’t be nearly as symbolically cool…
LOL Can’t wait to hear the conclusion
Thank you … it is quite the little soap opera, huh?
This was all very confusing..but hey I do like the, I was thinking just the other day how much I wanted to start reading the STAR as I was waiting at the car wash…but the problem is I have know friends who read that stuff-im male… well I guess Ill just stick with the entreprenuer.
…that’s what standing in line at the grocery store is for! You can certainly capture the headlines while waiting for your items to be scanned — the lack of depth in these stories allows for a 2-minute scan, if that!
You seem normal to me. Of course what I consider normal may not seem normal to others. Or something like that.
It’s all relative, right?
Well, I’m grateful that relative to your standards, I’m kinda normal! 🙂
What a brave girl you are1 Well done.
Brave? Hmmm… I just feel the need to be honest! But thanks for the support, regardless of what we’re calling it…
I don’t care what that commenter on my blog said, I LOVE your blog!
Well, Rachelle, I do hope you realize you made my night when I saw your comment … I’m honored!
I learned long ago that I can’t please everyone with my particular brand of humor. And that’s absolutely OK. Not everyone can totally rock, after all — but we do! 😉
Thank you for the amazing feedback — and for creating a blog that inspires me every day…
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE SOME MORE?!?!
I’m getting antsy for more of your acerbic wit.*
*note that this is the 2nd time I’ve used the term “acerbic” in my life, and the first time I used it when I wasn’t trying to refer to falafel.
**double note that I don’t 100% intend the full meaning of the real meaning of “acerbic”
So this would not be the time to share with you that I’m interpreting your remark regarding my “acerbic wit” as a devastating insult that I will forever carry with me? I mean, really, you might as well have insulted my mother’s falafel.
Nah, of course I’m just kidding. And I promise, I promise … I’m writing! All these damn paid jobs are getting in the way of my fun writing…crappy paid freelance work…
Thanks for hanging in there!
Mikalee – love your writing. Spent an entire Saturday afternoon reading all your posts which only leaves the weeks between new posts even harder.
So… for fodder I offer this snazzy pic from Jezebel (the other site I hit for a regular giggle fest) and saw this pic that made me think of you and what you might post about it.
Too bad they don’t mention the sign writer is unknown; with that sense of humor me thinks you two would have lots in common:
You’re too kind! Thanks for the incredible feedback, and please know that I’m resentful that my daily work is messin’ with my posting vibe. Ugh…
But I do have to thank you for the smile today. The words on the sign were one thing (funny in and of themselves), but the cross — Oh. My. GOD! Literally! You made my day… 🙂
I chuckled at the multiple ex string haha
It is rather amusing, right? At least we can all share a good smile over my crazy life…
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
You have clearly unlocked the secret of the universe. We are all blasting through time and space at speeds we cannot fathom. The couplings and un-couplings simply covalent bonds… atomic reactions easily made and unmade given the proper chemistry. I set my own chemistry to the rise of each new day. I too had a sudden awakening that has, quite literally awakened me every morning before the sun so that I can watch and receive the gift of a poem. Many of which can be found on my blog. Originally I thought the blog was where they were meant to be, but I have not posted any there for some time now. Still, they keep coming every day.
Wow — that’s way deep! 😉
I’m not so sure I’ve unlocked the secret of the universe; I’d settle for just understanding a small snapshot of a tiny corner of the big picture, personally!
You portray a great sense of humor when you write about stuff like this. I think you have a great capacity to entertain. Funny….the 3:42 AM precisely….I have a memory of exactly the same time at one point in my life. Is that some cosmic alarm time for troubled times? The ex-ex’s ex thing just gives me a headache. I can’t fathom the complications of friend overlap, kid to kid interactions, etc. Anyway, good writing, I enjoyed it and will look for the continuation story.
Thank you, John! And holy crap, I got goosebumps reading that you share my 3:42 connection. Perhaps it is the universe’s wake-up time for commiserating crazies…hmmm…
It was the most complicating situation — you can imagine how much I hated telling the “how we met story” to people who would ask…
“Funny story…his ex left him for my ex, and my ex left me for his ex! Isn’t that FUNNY?!?!”
Yeah. Not so much. People just got this puzzled expression. And then quickly made their way to the other side of the room to whisper the story to anyone else who would listen!
I wake up at 4:49 am precisely, almost every morning. Not sure what its all about!
I like your sense of humor also <3
Excellent — a kindred spirit! When I was going through the whole 3:42 period of my life, I had people ask if there was some constant there — a trash truck, a neighbor’s alarm that I was hearing, etc.
But nope. Nothing. I was WIDE AWAKE for many nights on end, after all — the nights when I didn’t wake wide-ass up at 3:42 a.m. CRAZY!
Thanks so much for reading — and sharing your 4:49 a.m. pain!
Well – Don’t keep us in suspense!
Sorry bout that…3 weeks was a bit long…
Story updated today — I hope the suspense wasn’t totally eating away at you, preventing you from finding enjoyment in daily tasks as you waited with baited breath for my next post… 😉
Yeah. Right… 😉
As as scary as this is, even tho I have never been married, I was actually able to keep with all of this. I know that what you are writing about had to hurt tremendously, and yet you have taken this immense negative and infused a humor that few people in your situation could. If you are writing a book about allof this I am just gonna have to stick around your site so I know when it (Hopefully) gets published. Great blog, I laughed my butt off and now I need to go look for it, but I promise I’ll be back to continue this story.
Keep writing, this was awesome!
Well I’m SO glad you’re here and following the journey. It’s been a crazy one, to be sure!
And yes, I think the only thing one can do with this entire experience — is write a book. So I’m working on that as well.
Now, I’d advise you go have your brain checked: anyone who can follow the interconnecting lines from this post needs serious help! 😉
Thank you SO much for reading and commenting…
You are a fantastic writer and so funny. I had no idea about Shania Twain. I am confused just thinking about who is with who. Love this post!
Wow — thank YOU for the kind words!
It is confusing. My brain hurts even remembering this time of my life…
I hope to see you around here again — part 2 of the story was published today! 🙂
Hi, so are you dating the guy still? Kind of a funny story in that sad sort of way. Humans can be odd creatures. Glad I am an asparagus.
Well, compared to vegetables with a sole vice of inspiring smelly pee, we humans do have it rough…
I hope you’ve read the update, which was posted today. Definitely still not dating him. Turns out, there are other fish in the sea!
I didn’t know Shan-yuh had found someone new; I thought that her whole “reality” show was about her forgetting how to put makeup on and whining to her therapist. She must have shaken loose some of her millions and put the makeup back on in time to get a date. I’m glad–I was almost feeling sorry for her.
Crap … I missed her reality show, didn’t I? With such a strong connection to the 4-foot-nothing, giant toothed singer, I really wanted to see her in “reality” form.