Here we go: I’m bracing myself for the onslaught of hate email calling me out for being all bitter and jaded and whatnot…but there is a plain and simple truth I must share on this most glorious of
puke-inspiring love-infested days.
I fucking hate Valentine’s Day.
And here’s the reason: The one and only time in my life I was proposed to, it just happened to be Valentine’s Day.
(And yeah, I hate the dangling preposition before the comma in that last sentence. But what’s the alternative? “The one and only time in my life someone to me proposed?” “The one and only time in my life on which I was proposed…to?” Ugh…)
Anyhow, back to the point. One day. One proposal. One future brick yet to be born. One future ex.
And the fake proposal offered in the dairy aisle of the neighborhood grocery store with the fake wedding cake and flute full of fake champagne? Totally doesn’t count.
Yes, Brett fake popped the fake question. In real Safeway. In front of the milk and half-and-half and papaya-mango-orange juice that tastes like sugar and fruit chews dissolved in a liquid suspension with an odd background flavor of bubblegum, curry and gasoline.
Not cool, Brett. Not cool at all. Especially for this jaded, bitter cynic-chick.
…who fucking hates Valentine’s Day.
In fact, I hate this day so much, in my home it’s no longer just “Valentine’s Day.” It’s “Fucking Valentine’s Day.”
To wit, a transcript of a real conversation from Sunday:
Me: You’re not going to get me a card for Fucking Valentine’s Day, are you?
Brett: Well, I was planning on it. Should I not?
Me: Whatever. I guess that means I have to get you a card for Fucking Valentine’s Day, huh?
Brett: OK???? I know there’s a right answer to this question. But I don’t know the right answer to this question. What’s the right answer to this question???
So yesterday, I found this card.
(“That being said” is our catch phrase…because everyone says it these days. Seriously.
Now that I’ve made you all aware of it, you’ll start seeing it everywhere. You’re welcome.)
For last year’s Valentine’s Day post, I made no secret of how much I hated Valentine’s Day. Remember my personalized “Hallmark…of Pain” cards? Or how, instead of “Sweet hearts,” I came up with my own line of “Bitter hearts”?
So this year, I spent time brainstorming, delving, investigating and researching. I mean, I feel it’s my duty — nay, obligation — to provide you with some fuckin’ awesome gift ideas for this most fuckin’ awesome of holidays.
So here we go: In no particular order, here’s my list of the Top 5 Bizarre Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for the Cynical, Bitter and Jaded.
Gift Idea #1: An experience that titillates the senses.
If you can make it to New York today, you can take advantage of a one-day-only offer. And it’s not a Broadway play for lovers. Nor dining while overlooking the Empire State Building, à la Sleepless in Seattle.
Nope. The Newtown Creek Wastewater Plant — also known as the town’s sewage treatment facility — is offering “tours for lovers” this Valentine’s Day.
I shit you not. (See what I did there?)
Witness first-hand the sweeping, romantic vistas of churning poop and grinding sewage and experience the dreamy aromas of enticing excrement as you fall in love, all over again.
Oh yeah, and the news story notes you’ll get a Hershey’s Kiss just for attending. Because you’ll definitely be craving chocolate after this steamy rendezvous.
delusional adorable plant superintendent calls it a “unique date,” adding this quirky little quip:
“Just imagine going home and saying, ‘Where did he take me on Valentine’s Day? I went to see the digester eggs in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.”
Poor, poor psychotic superintendent dude. So disturbed — yet so optimistic, peering through those decidedly shit-colored glasses.
Because nothing says “I love you” like a visit to the glorious plant o’ crap.
Gift Idea #2: Something for the more cerebral lover in your life.
Did you see the latest?
According to a recent article on the Huffington Post Divorce site, brain scans may soon be able to help us determine if our partner is the faithful type…or maybe not so much.
Totally exciting, right? The research — compliments of the highfalutin Scientific American — suggests that because breaking a promise is a complex neurobiological event, a brain scan may be able to predict those who are making false promises before they break their word.
According to the HuffPo post:
When it comes to matters of the heart, love has less to do with the heart and more to do with the brain. New technologies, like functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), allow us to look inside the brain when it’s in the throes of love — or just mere attachment love. And they also allow us to weed out a man or woman who, despite promising to love, honor and cherish us above all others “till death do us part,” is more likely to break that vow.
The article also goes on to address a promising drug that might soon be available to increase our vasopressin receptor, which, when boosted in the oft-filandering meadow mole, converts it to a monogamous mole.
Also called a monogamole.
So by extrapolating these results, it’s possible a simple little pill could transform a cad into a catch.
The funny part of this story? (I know, I know…shouldn’t the fact that a brain scan might predict cheating be funny in and of itself? Shouldn’t the prospect of a pill to pop to inspire monogamy be enough? But wait…there’s more).
I may or may not have used the medium of Twitter last week to proclaim my jaded, cynical bitterness. And the Huffington Post Divorce site may or may not have run my tweet on its front page.
For five days.
Yeah…that’s my tweet. Under my gravatar, it reads,
“Signing my boyfriend up for the brain scan…just as soon as I tweet this!”
Then I conveniently provide the link to the post.
You’re welcome, Brett.
So this Valentine’s Day, get the gift that keeps on giving. Get your lover a brain scan.
Gift Idea #3: A stuffed — ahem — animal (????)
Actually, yeah, okay: I’m talking about stuffed sperm.
EVERYONE loves a stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day, right? Well how about snuggling up with this adorable creature:
That’s one plush male gamete for $8.94…or get a value deal (it’s the same as an extra-value meal — minus the Diet Coke) by purchasing both the egg and sperm microbes for $16.99. That’s right: You save 89 cents!!!!!
According to the website, each microbe is 5-7 inches long — over a million times its actual size.
(And the eyes — oh, the eyes!)
But my favorite part: The product description notes that the set is “For children under 3 years and up.”
Translation: Stuffed sperm…a gift for all ages!
Gift Idea #4: A gift certificate.
Raise your hand if you love to be spoiled.
Thought so. This year, how about a gift certificate promising significant, substantial spoilage?
Jack in the Box, my friends, has unveiled its Bacon Shake … for a limited time only.
Yip, you read that right. A bacon shake.
When I first saw this news story, I thought to myself: “This is a joke. I must be reading The Onion.”
Except it wasn’t a joke. And it wasn’t The Onion. It was bacon. And it is real.
According to info from the über-health-conscious chain, a 24-ounce shake contains only (emphasis added) 54 fat grams and 1,081 calories. And the offer is hush-hush: Not on the menu, available only upon request for those who crave the bacon — and who can endure the judgmental glares of surrounding, baffled onlookers.
Gift Idea #5: The gift of a name.
You’ve heard about naming a star after your loved one, right?
This is just like that. Only instead of a celestial body, you’re naming a hissing cockroach.
Seriously friends. This one is too good to be true.
The Bronx Zoo is allowing sponsors to name a Madagascar hissing cockroach…for only $10. As the website promises, “Flowers wilt. Candlelight fades. But roaches are forever.”
Think it can’t get any better? Oh, but it does…
According to the website:
For just $15 more, a hand-painted, artisanal [editor’s note: look, “anal”!!] chocolate roach will give your Valentine something to squeal about. There’s no reason to bug out with this 100% luxury dark chocolate gift, which we’ll ship for free directly to you or to the lucky gift recipient.
This spunky gift is ideal for the soon-to-be-ex…or the already-ex. Or even for the ex’s ex-ex. Or his/her future ex.
And FYI, I will neither confirm nor deny the rumor that there’s a smarmy little cockroach in the Bronx Zoo, madly darting about and seeking out cracks and crevices while evading the harsh light of day, scavenging for decaying organic matter and proudly sporting the moniker “Marilyn ‘The Brick’ Manson.”
Nope. My lips are sealed.
Well there you have it. I hope you find some inspiration among these suggestions. I know I did…
And here we are at the perky giveaway part. Wanna get lucky?
You remember my favorite t-shirt ever, the one that proclaims “Love makes me puke”? The one I debuted in last year’s post? The one I proudly wear each and every Valentine’s Day — much to the chagrin of my children and Brett?
Well, I have another. Brand new with tags, size XL. Just for you — if you’re the lucky one.
It’s my way of saying, “Happy Fuckin’ Valentine’s Day” from jaded me to awesome you.
To enter to win, just leave a comment below — answering one or all of the following:
- Turd tour, infidelity scan, cuddly sperm, bacon shake or cockroaches…what’s your favorite? Reactions to this compendium of bizarre gift ideas?
- Any items to add to the list? I need fodder for next year, after all.
- Thoughts about Marilyn the Hissing Cockroach, who may or may not exist?
Oh yeah, and if you share my post on Facebook or Twitter, you get TWO chances to win. Just make sure you tag me by joining my brand new Facebook page, “Mikalee Byerman, Writer Chick,” to add your tag. Or on Twitter, I’m @mikaleebyerman. Creative, no?
Love ya mean it!
Cool, but the bacon shake?
I know. There simply aren’t words…
Toss up between roach and Braun scan.
But I got some great kids out of the wrong choice. So would not undo the tour in the turd plant/ I mean marriage.
Ooooh. I see what you did there! Nice analogy… 😉
I would definately choose the cockroach! Nothing says “our love belongs in a dark, smelly, hidden place away from anything healthy” like a cockroach!
Personally, I think you should add “poop jewelery” to your list of great fucking valentines day gifts. See?
Scroll down… they have poop with rhinestones! RHINESTONED POOP! Nothing says love like blinged out poop!
Finally, as to the cockroach that may or may not exist, I am thinking I should get one too… in honor of the ex and his special friends fucking special love. 😉
Rhinestone-encrusted (ewwwww) poop is definitely on my list for next year. Awesome!
And I agree: There’s a cockroach in the Bronx just begging for that “special” friend’s name…
Wow, great ideas!! My ex called yesterday about our son. My wonderful wife was with me in the room so I put the phone on Speaker. She was amazed at how the ex never changes. Point is, all of the above would be great gifts for her!! J. Geils was right ~ love stinks.
Then I met my fabulous wife… 🙂
Well, congrats. It appears we both did well the second(ish) time around. And you’re absolutely right: These people NEVER change…
I loved your gift offerings, even shared a couple on FB. My only questions is: Are you sure the “f” in fMRI stands for functional?
Enjoy your special day.
Thank you for sharing, Bruce — that’s two entries for you! I can totally see you rocking the puke shirt…I’ll let you all know who wins.
And as far as I can tell, it’s definitely “functional” — especially if it comes time that we can use it to peer into our partner’s psyche!
My guess is that sending you a four-foot teddy bear from Vermont Teddy Bear is not a good idea.
…only if you don’t mind getting it back without a head and disemboweled of its stuffing.
I kid…I kid…
LMAO … great answer … and the one I anticipated … well, in terms of meaning.
This post? My heart is singing.
Haha…someone with a heart that works like mine. I love it!
Geez, I stopped reading after the brain scan bit. Glad to see you are back with your wild fucking descriptors in force, you were just too mild without ’em.
Glad you enjoyed the profanity, though I’m sorry you didn’t make it to the cockroaches. That, IMHO, was the best part…
Great post! I used to feel the same way, but Valentine’s day and I have made up. I realized that it definitely wasn’t the day that was the issue, but my ex…which also indicates why he is now my ex lol. Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day!
You are my inspiration. You can actually make up with V-Day? I can’t imagine…but I’m now hopeful, thanks to you!
I am glad that I have been of some assistance on your road to recovery in making up with V-Day 🙂
Naming rights for hissing cockroaches, bacon shake (sounds like Bake ‘n Shake chicken), stuffed sperm? What next? Now I know why you don’t have new posts often. You’re too busy doing extensive research for your next one! I am so impressed how you managed to round all these oddities up!
So happy fucking Valentines, Mikalee, my favorite, FAVORITE divorcee, who I hold up as a model for all of us, who I hope to aspire to one day. You are the one, lady!
Oh and one more thing we have in common? I too, was proposed to on Valentine’s Day and I hate it too. Which is why you should never propose on any holiday, period! I even wrote about it for the HuffPo (my favorite online paper), http://www.huffingtonpost.com/monica-medina/popping-the-question-valentines_b_977279.html
Haha — yes, research does take a long time. But you know what takes up most of that time? The odd places I end up as a result of endless clicking and linking, etc. Seriously, I found edible candy nipple tassels while researching this post. You have no idea how much it pained me not to include those…but alas, there was but no room…
…and happy Fucking Valentine’s Day to you, too, friend! Again, we have led such parallel existences — we were destined to be blogging BFFs. Which makes us BBFFs. Or B-squared F-squareds. Or something like that.
Somehow, I missed your VDay post. Off to read it now.
A few Twix bars, an early night to bed, no sexpectations and a Starbucks gift card – pretty unromantic, but that would be my perfect V Day. I’ll pass on your suggested gifts, much as I laughed my ass off reading about them.
Oh come on, Ruth — replace a Twix with a chocolate cockroach, wash it down with a Bacon Shake … then definitely keep to the “no sexpectations” rule following that crazy combo!
I hate “Fucking Valentine’s Day” too, mainly because it’s a damn invented holiday by a card company to increase their sales. Now we have whole aisles in every store offering every kind of confection in a heart-shaped box, and every kind of stuffed animal with a heart or horns. I didn’t see the egg and sperm, which I might have bought, until you told me it was marketed for 3-years and up. Or maybe just safe?? That’s my favorite, although the turd tour comes in a close second. I almost bought the eatable panties and body paint, but just telling my wife about it was humor enough.
Agreed on all accounts — it’s hard to be this rational, though, when the children are brought up in the VDay frenzy. I’m so sick and tired of the stupid Valentine’s Day parties with the stupid folding cards that no one reads and the stupid conversation hearts.
And then I have to turn around and be all supportive and happy and lovey-dovey with my kids. Oh well, they’ll learn on their own eventually. I certainly don’t want my bitter and jaded approach rubbing off, so we keep it light and fun!
It might be a few years before I take them on the turd tour. Or buy them a chocoroach… 😉
You know what? V-day reminds me of the film ‘V for Vendetta’. I think a Guy Fawkes greeting is a great gift.
Happy Fucking V-Day to you!
…and to you! Your comment made me laugh out loud.
Just yesterday, I found myself thinking “It’s almost Valentine’s Day. Mikalee must be cooking up something great”. And sho’nuff, you were.
The sewage tour for Valentine’s Day reminds me of what White Castle did a few years ago in St. Louis. They had some sort of Christmas thing, one day only, named “I’m Dreaming of a White Castle”. Merry Christmas! Here’s three days of intestinal issues, our gift to you!
I know someone who’s had the bacon shake. She actually liked it, which shocked me because she’s not the kind of person to go for that kind of thing.
So glad I didn’t disappoint, John. That’s some pretty intense pressure right there! 😉
I had heard about that White Castle promotion…too funny. And because I linked to the Jack in the Box story on my Facebook page, I actually inspired one of my friends to try the shake. He loved it, too. And guess what: He’s still alive.
Funny, I thought the stuffed sperm (who’s awfully cute, btw) would be considered the “spunky” gift.
I’m here all week, folks.
Hope you enjoy your Fucking VD.
Err..that sounds like something you’d say out of spite to an ex with a disease…
Spunky…I see what you did there!
Funny thing is, the other day I had a friend ask me for suggestions for a profile name on an online dating site. She has a British accent, so I almost sent over “SpunkyBrit” as a suggestion. We went another direction — but it did inspire a good laugh.
My fave: “Huffington Post Divorce site”. Really? That’s good.
Of course for the international romantic there’s always the Tour des Egouts in Paris, although the vibe is decidely more Phantom of the Opera than the feces-are-our-friends tone of the Sewage for Two package you describe.
My complaint about VD (not THAT VD–Valentines Day) is the element of uncertainty. Uh, are we doing the Valentines Day thing this year? Why?–Do you think we’re BEYOND VD, that the romance is gone. Uh, no, just didn’t want to make you feel awkward if I got you one and you didin’t….
You see where this is going. Happy Fucking Valentines Day!
Great, bitter post, and you didn’t even mention the greeting card companies fucking over their customers in the name of love!
HuffPo Divorce is one of my favorite one-stop destinations for all things dishy and divorcey. You should totally check it out!
You know what I love? The fact that “Tour des Egouts” sounds so much more upscale than “turd tour.” That’s a romance language for ya…
And the interaction you describe about VD: totally the same interaction taking place in every home before every VD. And it sucks.
Happy Fucking VD to you, too!
Normally I’d agree with you re. the fake proposal being uncool, but HONEY….that manfriend of yours is foyne!
Happy F’ing Day…
Haha…I know, he totally makes it hard for me to be all pissy and bitter and jaded. If he’d just stop being so damn cute…
Normally I wouldn’t be about stuffed animal sperm, but they’re wearing bows. That’s kinda cute.
But the beady little eyes?!?! Those eyes creep me the fuck out…
I gotta say, the signature on your Valentine’s Day card was certain unique. Hope you’re having a happy day. (lol)
Yeah, I totally wanted to display the cards for the entire family to see…but I did away with that idea just by the way I signed it! Oops.
LOL, nothing like telling it like it is! 🙂
Awesome post Happy Valentines 🙂
Thank you, kind sir.
Valentine’s Day warms the cockles of my heart. It was on Valentine’s Day when this boy became a man. I was in the back seat of my ‘56 Chevy and my sweetie Cindy Lou–who?–Cindy Lou, said, “Is that the Big Bopper?” Sure enough the Big Bopper was singing on the radio. I asked her if she was ready. “For popcorn?” She replied. It was an odd reply since we weren’t at a drive in. “No, to do it,” I said. “Do what?” She asked. “You know,” I said, unhooking her brand new, whiter than white, Sears purchased brassiere. “Oh, that,” she said. I saw her milky white breasts for the first time by the light of full moon. “Ready?” I asked, my voice all a quiver. “Ready!” She exclaimed her excitement rising. “Damn! Too late,” I said. “What happened?” She asked. “And what’s this sticky stuff all over me?” I got in the driver’s seat and started the engine. “Are we going to get popcorn now?” Cindy Lou asked. “Sure, why not,” I said. “And bring lots of napkins,” she said. – Now that I think of it, I hate fuckin’ Valentine’s Day, too!
I am forever altered due to this story. Thank you. Consider yourself discussed in my next therapy session…
I was striving for forever altered! Success! HF
Mission. Fucking. Accomplished.
LOVE this exchange. Damn HF! That is some story to post in the comment section… now I’m scared. MB, we actually discussed you in the comments of my Oscar post. You are both invited to my party next year, but HF isn’t sure I can handle you at my party…hmmm, bring it on! I’m now wondering if either of us can actually handle HF! Fucking incredible.
Dawn, together we will be a force of nature. Bring it, HF…bring it.
I tried bacon brittle once and hated it (my neighbor from Tennessee proclaimed it was so good “you’ll wanna slap your gramma!”), so the bacon shake is out. The turd tour reminds me of going into Chicago on the Stevenson Expressway and passing all the poop pools, so no thanks. Spermy is cute, but I’m not into stuffed animals of any kind. And roaches are creepy. That leaves the brain scan… if they put you to sleep for it, I’m always up for a good anesthetic. Here’s a romantic alternative that I know YOU would enjoy…ifyou haven’t already, visit the World of Coke in Atlanta. The gift shop alone is worth the trip, as you would understand if you ever saw me in my classic Sprite logo cap.
And I have no doubt there is a roach with that moniker…I can see the letters coming to you now…”Marilyn appreciates your letters and donations, but she is now saving to bring her sister to this country, which is very expensive…”
I kinda get the sweet and savory idea…but really?!?! Does Jack in the Box need to be the joint to execute this? It seems like something I’d see on Top Chef smothered in a sunchoke puree with a side of cous cous.
I’ve been to Coca-Cola World in Las Vegas. It was AMAZING, and they have an entire section of Diet Coke stuff. I resisted the urge to purchase, just because I’m waiting for my next viral campaign…hoping for something better than a mini-fridge!
ooo-owww ends in a y!!!
LOL, friend… 🙂
Crude is the new black. Or so I’ve heard. 😉
Question 1. was rhetorical right?
I mean, bacon milkshake duh.
Everything tastes better when you add bacon. This includes love. With a cherry on the top 😉
No amount of (healthy IMO) cynacism can hold back the tsunami of commercialization but I’m high fiving you for trying Mikalee Byerman !
Totally rhetorical. I expected EVERYONE to choose the cockroaches, so you’re an original.
(But really: A bacon shake? Really?)
Thanks for the props, Ian — much appreciated. All part of my humanitarian effort to eradicate the world of love. You’re welcome. (Haha…)
1. Definitely the sperm. I love them thiiis much! <– Note that this is a million times the actual love.
2. You know if you could just figure out how to combine the sperm/egg deal with the milkshake in a Makin Bacon Shake…
3. I lived in a seedy apartment on Staten Island once. Cockroaches there train and wrestle professionally. We used to go down to the laundry room and place bets on the fearsome likes of The Cuckoo Racha. I think I remember an undercard once that might have been Marilyn the Hissing Cockroach.
For you on Valentine's Day: It is a myth that dangling a preposition there is a rule against. Seriously. No. Such. Rule. Someone somewhere got it confused with a dangling participle and beat their child's knuckles with a ruler and we've been stuck with the myth ever since. There. You are liberated! ♥
OK: I almost DIED when I read your “Makin’ Bacon Shake” suggestion. Um…so much wrong with that. On so many levels.
Not the least of which: You can’t add salty to salty.
(Ewww. I totally went there.)
Thanks so much for the liberation. I now know what I can end sentences with. Free of guilt…
Turd tour! as an apprentice plumber I got to go on two different “tours”. Gotta take the wife on one! I can fart all I want and no one would know the difference! 🙂
Totally gross, Harold — and totally true! I’m sure your wife (and all wives everywhere) would LOVE it!
I guess I should have specified the “tours”.
One was to the Deep Tunnel project, that was actually pretty cool! 300 feet underground.
The other was to the sewage treatment plant…inside it was kinda ripe smelling, getting outside was appreciated!
It’s the end result of my profession, literally! It was interesting.
Other tours were to the water treatment plant and the city morgue.
Wow. You do know how to keep the mystery alive, don’t you? 😉
In question #1 you didn’t specify whether our choice of gift was to give or receive.
To give: Bacon Shake, if there’s no other way to get the pork in… Oh, forget it.
To receive: Duh. Chocolate anything. Why do you need to ask?
But a holiday is what you choose to make of it, and you seem to do pretty well with yours. Who am I to say anything?
Um . . . normally I would agree with you on chocolate anything, but I have been enlightened by the chocolate roach. Those “artisan” roaches were just waaaaay too realistic. I do not think I could eat a chocolate roach. *sigh*
I had a friend who once ate chocolate ants and said they tasted like gasoline. Yum.
Good point — I would totally have different preferences for giving and receiving. But my receiving choice would NOT be the cockroaches. I mean, I’d totally prefer a brain scan to look for the cheating receptor…
“Get the pork in” …you’re good, kitchenmudge…
You know, the local Waffle House was accepting reservations for Valentine’s Day. I can’t think of anything more romantic than eating dinner in a smoke-filled restaurant filled with toothless people, serving greasy food. Winning!
Totally winning! Maybe they’d even gift you with a hair that somehow escaped the hairnet as a symbol of their love for your visit…
That is totally on my bucket list now.
Mine too. Can’t wait. I may even order a side of grits for good measure…mmmmmm…
Hashbrowns. Scattered, covered, and smothered. Yummy.
Dang it! Leave grits alone! HF
And how come my comment are always waiting moderation. I don’t like that. No, I don’t like that at all! HF
Censorship. It’s the new black.
Never. They’re forever on my list.
Come to think of it, they ARE my list.
it may not compare, but i hate christmas and mother’s day. wait, stick with me here.
i hate christmas because my ex-wife won’t allow me to see my kids on christmas. i don’t get them until the 26th. that’s one helluva bitch. and when i recently went to court (unsuccessfully) to get more time with my kids, she tried to show the judge a blog post about how much i hate christmas, and she tried to say that i shouldn’t have more time because i’m too bitter and unhappy.
as for mother’s day, that’s only because my mother passed away on mother’s day. unfortunate coincidence.
RMV, that totally compares — you have every right to be pissed off at Christmas and Mother’s Day.
So did the blog post that she showed the judge sway him/her to NOT give you more custody? If so, that is AWFUL…
it didn’t sway the judge, but her intent to make me look bad is horrible. and to think i spent 17 years with this woman. there’s a reason she’s an “ex”!!
I had a similar experience — the judge didn’t even look into the contents of the blog, just took the argument at face value. Very upsetting. I’m so sorry for you…IMHO the legal system sucks ass these days, especially in family law cases.
ugh. fer shure. went to court last month because my 13-year old wants to live with me and not her mother. the judge said that just because the kid wants to change, it’s not enough of a reason to change. part of the problem is that there are no guidelines. nothing specific. each judge can do whatever they want.
Exactly right — no guidelines at all. “Best interests of the child” is as obscure as it gets … and those who know how to manipulate the system can totally use it to their advantage! I do wish you luck.
thanks miss. you too at whatever it is you decide to do at any given moment in the history of you.
also – i LOVE when women curse.
Oh good. That means you love me. A LOT! 😉
Dangling preposition–who gives a fuck?–“write like people talk” is always the best rule. (Which you do, quite well)
I would have dropped the cake all over the store floor.
Brett has obviously been around women before–“What’s the right answer to this question?” indeed.
A “boxed set” of romantic movies would be a nice gift, movies such as “Dial M For Murder”, “Sleeping with the Enemy”, “The Shining”, or anything else where spouse or ex tries to commit murder.
Thanks for the compliment, and I definitely try to adhere to that rule. I only get in trouble when I’m teaching grammar in college classes (which I do on occasion). So far I haven’t had any of my students call me a hypocrite. Yet. But I’m still waiting…
And I like where you’re going with the boxed set. How romantic. 😉
I want to puke thinking of a bacon shake. Like do they put the bacon in there with the ice cream??
The cockroach thing is very fitting (for Marilyn).
How’s the batshit divorce? Any new stuff going on lately?
Glad you could see the humor in Marilyn the Cockroach — I sure do. And yeah, bacon shake scares the hell out of me, too!
Things are eerily quiet on the ex front. Which is good — and scary…
I love the turd tour, and I hate VD day.
I’ll bet you couldn’t guess…but me too! On both accounts!
Stop Press: I just read an update from the Bronx Zoo. Marilyn ‘the brick’ Manson has had to be given the sandal treatment. It’s been revealed she was just posing and pretending to smarmingly dart about seeking cracks and crevices and scavenge for decaying organic matter when it’s come to light she was in fact cunningly and sneakily going all out to break up the happily paired expensively named cockroaches that were minding their own business and bringing up little cockroaches.
In a press statement a zoo spokesperson said ‘ The wholesome family image of the Zoo was being tainted by her selfish immoral behavior so she had to be stamped out.’
Typical cockroach, right?
You made Brett and me laugh out loud with this one!
I love you, Mikalee.
I love you too. But I will NOT be getting you a Valentine, no matter how much you beg… 😉
You’re an original, Mikalee! Don’t ever change!
Haha…glad you appreciate my personal brand of cynical humor, Hook!
Hahaha this is a great post. You are awesome. Following.
Thank you so much … the fact that you appreciate my snarky humor makes you even awesome-er! 🙂
I wanted to get something cute for the bartender where I work, something slinky, you know, but I was afraid it would be more for myself than for her. So I finally settled on…
Now that is actually a cute idea. I dig it!
So did she. Of the four little things I got for her, that was the one that made her laugh.
I’ve always thought nothing says love like a turd tour.
I echo your thoughts, I hate this fucking holiday, after the crappy week I’ve had I NEED that shirt. Love the post, and totally jealous of the fake safeway proposal.
Agreed Annie — “poop” and “love” are totally intertwined, thus making it the perfect way to celebrate the day. 😉
Ugh…sounds like you had a miserable week. Let’s hope this one is far, FAR better for you!
I don’t know if I can get on board with this. Hating Valentine’s Day is so….MAINSTREAM these days…
It’s totally the new black. I noticed that this year, too. I’m thinking we might actually see a VD coup d’etat next year. Fingers crossed!
Did the stuffed sperm come packaged in a giant condom? Maybe a diaphragm hat for the egg. Wow, marketed for 3+…boggles the mind.
Those are great suggestions…the marketing arm of the stuffed sperm and egg company should be coming to you for ideas on how to sell to grown ups. Not so much for children though, right? CRAZY!
Thanks for the Post Valentines giggles…We are definitely finding a local sewer tour for next year 🙂
I know, right? When you care enough to send the very best…send them to the poop factory.
LOVE this post… can’t believe I missed it earlier!
Bacon shake made me feel a bit gross in the stomache to be honest. Sperm is hilarious!!!
My now hubby and I have a bit of a sick sense of humor, for one of our first Vdays I got a Voodoo Knife block (http://www.voodooknifeblock.com.au/) and last Vday I got him Plush Syphillis (http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/6708/). I don’t think many people get our relationship… or our senses of humour… and frankly it freaks my Mum right out when I say something and we both crack up because he knows exactly where my mind went with it and everyone else in the room remains boggled!
Sounds like you guys are perfectly matched! That is awesome … Brett and I have the same kind of chemistry. I think some people in this world are just wired differently. Not better — just different.
LOVE the voodoo knife block. Almost put that one in this post — because it ROCKS!
I know it’s so brilliant! The knives are top notch too so it is practical in its awesomeness hehehe – maybe on your list for next V-day… inappropriate yet awesome gifts 🙂
Where can I book the shit trip, the combination of sensory pleasures must be awesome.
Right? I can’t even imagine. And to get a chocolate after the tour…how scrumptious…
Sadly, it’s a bit far away for me to be able to partake: It’s in New York. Though it may be worth a trip next year!
Mikalee, This is great! Well my ex did not propose to me on VD, but I am still not a big fan of it! Ok… That was being a bit nice about it, but I think I started hating it way before the divorce.
My favorite VDay was a party we girls had where we got a pinata of a man (totally representing our exes not all men) and then lined up to take swipes at him! Then like a bunch of little kids we went for the candy insides that spewed across the ground. It was quite fun and we laughed till we cried at that party. There wasn’t even any alcohol at the party either!
Sometime, I will have to tell you what happened to the x’s computer… Gosh I just don’t know how it happened? Hehe
H F V D
OK, that has to be the best post-divorce party favor idea ever: pinatas to represent your man. There’s a business in that, I think. Kinda like how you can make your Wii Mii look like real people? You can design your own pinata. I love it!!!!
And yes, you’ll have to tell me the story of the computer. I’m all ears! 🙂
HFVD to U, 2!
So ex is computer illiterate… Like in he types business letters in his email because he can not figure out how to get into Word??? No more comment needed on that!
After our divorce he kept calling me up begging me to come fix his computer, and trust me usually it was stupid stuff! So one time I go over there, and I am trying looking at it and it is all F****ed up. I decide to shut it down and when it reloads, some message comes up, and I didn’t really read it. I just clicked “OK”! Oops! I reformatted his hard drive, and all of his files were gone!
Good news is he No longer asks me to work on his computer! I only ever really did it for the kids anyways! Oh did I mention he is in a business that requires by law he keep his files for five years?
Oooops! I will never admit it wasn’t a mistake! Yes! It was a mistake…
“Oooops” indeed! Great story… 🙂
Oh I have to share the bacon shake with a guy friend of mine. He swears everything is better with bacon! He also teases me because I am a health food nut! Actually, he would love your blog too, as he has a number of Xes that he complains about! I will send this to him via facebook.
Awesome, please do share: the bacon shake and the blog. Both will improve his life to be sure…
I also hate fucking Valentines day. In fact, I hate any day that is celebrated by a fucking card. You, my blogging friend are fucking awesome!
Well you, my blogging friend, happen to be even fucking awesome-er. That you can appreciate the absurdity of it all just elevates your clout in my book!
YOU’RE ON FIRE MIKALEE!!!
/me hands charlywalker a bucket of water to put out the fire
YOU throw it. NO WAY can you pay me enough to dump water on Mikalee!
Oh good. I wouldn’t fare well in a wet t-shirt contest, anyhow…
Oh, sure you would. It’s just *getting* to the “wet” part that I’ll leave to someone else.
Haha, gus3! 😉
Haha…glad you approve!
Honey, it’s February 14. I love you . . . I just can’t stand the sight of you the rest of the year.
Spot on! 😉
Ahhh a brain scan. I wish that was an option for my ex, but instead she had an EKG. Damn, that was the wrong organ.
LOL. Well, there’s always next year…
I don’t know why but this awesome post did not come to my mail box! Given my 25th anniversary, maybe it was the Love Universe keeping us apart… with our very different posts? Damn! This made me laugh… and given that Smart Guy is a neurosurgeon, I could have actually asked for the brain scan for a present… and gotten it! Though, I fear it’s my scan that might scandalize! I have to say, the sperm and egg would have really tickled me too… we once went to a costume party as a sperm and an egg (I was a fried egg). He ran around all night bumping into people…sperms do that.
Anyway, I came on line to see why you hadn’t posted in so long… I was going to write a long pleading note, asking why you would leave us hanging, and there it was: this post! So, I may need to re-subscribe! I can’t risk missing any others. Happy belated fucking Valentines day! I love you despite your fucking attitude! 😉
“He ran around all night bumping into people…sperms do that.”
Oh my GOD I almost died when I read that! As long as he didn’t penetrate people, I guess you’re good to go. After all, sperms do that, too.
I’m somewhat glad the Love Universe interceded on your behalf — too much jaded and bitter, especially around such a remarkable occasion, is definitely not called for. Congrats again on the 25th! And next year, I may make a special visit to the Motherland to hit Smart Guy up for a brain scan for Boyfriend Brett. I’ll be in touch.
I got a hissing cochroach for Valentine’s Day. We’ve decided that should we get married, we’ll have fondat roaches with a little top hat and a little veil on the top of our cake. My partner made it better (since I called with “YOU BOUGHT ME A ROACH?!”) that I can go visit my cockroach this summer and my partner will pay the bus fare.
Are you serious? If so, that’s the COOLEST!
trying to catch up on my reading.. Love this.. Love your SNARKY sense of humor Mikalee. .. 75 million hits? REALLY?
Absolutely. Seventy-five million and growing. And there’s absolutely NO WAY I’m exaggerating.
After visiting your website.. NOW understand.! When you get a chance please check your email from me ‘Air Cooled Underware’ requests input. And keep bloggin. you are a real ray of Sunshine!
Aww, thank you! I don’t think anyone has ever suggested I’m a “ray of sunshine.” So I’ll take that, with much sparkly/sunny/glowing gratitude!
75 million? Howdja doit?
Simple, really. I lured them all with bacon.
Yeah! 75 million… way to make the rest of us feel fucking useless! I want to know how you did that Girl! 😉
Perseverance. Dedication. Writing words with no real meaning, like random numbers on a blog.
Laughing so hard I started to cry! The hershey’s kiss after the sewage plant tour!! The stuffed sperm! Too funny! And that card was too perfect. Great post.
Thank you! I couldn’t believe the Hershey’s Kiss, either. How do these ideas make it to fruition, anyhow?
Funny!… Valentines day is done…I only read this now…and if I read this on that day…I might be dead…the cause of my death – laughing so hard…really great post.
Well I’m glad for the delayed reading, then…I’d hate to contribute to your death by VD.
Thank you for stopping by!
What a lovely blog you have! It’s my first time here, and I spent hours reading your posts, some of which had me crying with laughter. I hate V-Day too, but I wouldn’t have minded a stuffed sperm.
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Welcome, and thank you so much for the comment!
I absolutely look forward to visiting your blog…
you go GIRRRRL! i’m wit’ you. witty, sarcastic, snide, unromantic (in the literary sense) all the things i loooourrrve. continue…
Nice to meet a kindred spirit — and I’m glad you stumbled onto me, after I stumbled onto you…
I agree with you that valentines day is pretty much a load of crap and I find your writing very witty!
Thank you so much — agreed entirely with your assessment about the load o’ crap that is VD…
This is a so-very alive discussion, so I’ll try to help you keeping it that way by saying something outrageous like. I don’t agree with you that valentines day is not a load of crap and that I feel the urge to rebuke that statement… I feel like the real valentines day about love etc has turned into something like “BUY ME A GIFT OR DON’T COME HOME!”… hmmm that doesn’t sound to inviting and loving, does it? Reply I’m oh-so curious to find out what you people think about this matter!
Actually, I don’t think we’re far off from believing the same thing: It’s a load o’ crap BECAUSE it has become something meaningless and commercialized.
But then again, I think most of us feel the exact same way; some are just more susceptible to guilt trips than others! 😉
Stuffed sperm toys. Thank you. I now know what I’m getting my husband next Valentines Day.
This post was incredibly funny!! 🙂
Glad to be of service. It really is the gift that keeps on giving…
…The things you say…
…are funny? …make my head hurt? …make me glad you’re NOT my daughter?
Haha–I should have added a smile after that comment–it was one of those instances where I was at a loss for words. I guess what I was thinking at the time was: sometimes you leave me at a loss for words; sometimes you make me laugh out loud with surprise; sometimes your words make my heart hurt with you.
Oh good. As long as it’s not “give me a migraine” or similar… 😉
No, definitely not!
Aww, My anniversary with Joel is Valentine’s day, how fucking cutesy is that? It wasn’t my idea, trust me. This V day we got matching footie/hoodie pajamas with monograms..that was my idea because it is freezing here in the winter. However, I also think Valentine’s day is lame and do not go in for the whole card crap, in fact I don’t go in for cards for any holiday, including birthdays. My family members can always expect a kindle gift card for their birthday, but it’s never a birthday card, for my sister’s birthday a few weeks ago I sent her an Amazon card “to the lucky new father” or some other such thing. I suggest you do the same. It makes things fun. I don’t think my parents have gotten a real card from me in years, they get “for my favorite nephew” or “on your bar mitzvah”, it makes things fun and sometimes confuses them, which makes things funner. F Valentine’s day indeed! Happy Ramadan!
I love the whole card switcheroo — I do that often, too. My favorite is to send people a card in Spanish. Especially if I know they don’t speak Spanish…
Feliz cumpleanos a ti y Joel, Sarah!
Reblogged this on and commented:
I had to, it was too hilarious.
Thank you for the reblog — glad you enjoyed! Stay tuned for next year, when the “Top 5” list returns…