Now, if only I'd seen that sign before my walk down the aisle...
It was a throwaway line, one that he issued in a fit of rage. But it stung nevertheless.
“Didn’t you see the signs?” my future ex asked as I confronted him about the other woman, the brick, the connections between him and Marilyn at my children’s school (with my children present, btw).
(Hey, interesting tidbit: My kids knew about the “other woman” before I did. The day my ex left, they separately told me Daddy had been meeting with Marilyn for many weeks at the flag pole – and that they were already getting to know her and her children. Good times!)
But back to the stupid question of the day, which if this were a Sesame Street episode, would be brought to you by the letter “F” for “Fucked up”: “Didn’t you see the signs?”
I thought about it for a moment, staring dumbfounded at him. Um. Yeah. Not so much.
In fact, just two hours before, we had started the day with our typical wake-up ritual: I unraveled from our routine spooning position (“perfect fit,” he always said while wrapping himself around me), turned over and placed my head on his chest, and while listening to his heart beating, I whispered, “I hear your heart.” His response that morning, as it had been every morning before for the last 13 years: “It beats for you.”
The flashes continued. Hmmm. The signs, huh? Well, let’s see: He dated me for just shy of three years before marriage, so if he had wanted to return to Marilyn during that time, he had about 975 days or 23,400 hours in which to make that decision; he proposed to me; we spent every moment together as best friends; he told me every night that I was the love of his life, his perfect soul mate, and every morning, that his heart beat for me.
So forgive me if I didn’t see the signs. I guess it’s like when you can’t see the forest for the trees: I couldn’t see the signs for the total lack of signs. Makes perfect sense, in hindsight.
So there I was, staring at my best friend, the man with whom I shared a forever connection (or so I thought), and he was looking at me claiming he had been sending up signs the whole fucking time.
Kinda made me crazy at first. I started reliving every moment, looking for the signs. But then I thought, I should approach this as a scientist would…
So for the sake of argument, let’s assume he was sending up “signs.” That would mean we first need to decide on the definition of a “sign.”
According to Urban Dictionary:
1. sign
the huge thing on the side of the road that says stuff
Now THAT. That is a sign…
Or a more traditional source, Merriam Webster:
Synonym Discussion of SIGN
sign, mark, token, note, symptom — a discernible indication of what is not itself directly perceptible.
Oooh. Ooh. Ooh! Tokens and notes are signs? Now that, I’ve got…
You see, turns out that I’m somewhat of a pack rat. But not the kind who needs to be featured on “Hoarders” or anything. To date, I have NOT started collecting creepy things like balls of hair that I free from the bristles of my brush, the foot-skin shavings from my Pedi Egg or my children’s lost teeth stored in a prescription bottle under my bathroom sink (um, well, actually, I may have that).
What I do collect is cards and letters. Always have, always will. As a writer, words hold special meaning to me, and the medium upon which they are written (cards, e-mails, the back of a napkin…) provide a physical snapshot of time. Memories may fade, but if he cared enough to send the very best…that becomes my keepsake.
So my quest for a sign can be found in the cards, notes and emails he’d sent over the years? AWESOME!
See for yourself: “Signs” in his own writing, in his own words, not coerced or forced through intimidation, withholding sex or chumming with tasty treats. Simply him showing me the crystal clear signs that he was miserable. With a capital “M.”
Sign #1 – A birthday card from right after we got married, so this would be an example of an early sign:
(Clearly, “my soul belongs to you” means that I am an evil bitch who stole it and refused to give it back, thus he will spend eternity with me as punishment. Clearly.)
Sign #2 – This one was an inscription in a journal he gave me to document our first child’s birth and early years, circa 1999:
(Hard to read at times, I know, but I do love his reference to how “some day way off in the future,” we’ll be reading these words again…little did either of us know they’d appear on my blog! Also, just fyi, apparently my ex believes “forever” means 13 years, 15 days, 2 hours and 3 seconds. Give or take.)
Sign #3 – Here’s a V-Day card from 2002:
(“Thank you for making us so perfect,” obviously, means “You evil woman. I hate you and our lives together.”)
Sign #4 – A Mother’s Day card from 2005:
(To my ex, “love of my life” translates loosely to “love of my life (up to now).” Or maybe it actually means “love of my life between the years of 1994 and 2007,” considering he was with Marilyn in high school. Who knows?)
Sign #5 – A classic from V-Day 2006:
(So our souls were attached…with Elmer’s glue that wore off? Obviously not Super Glue, cuz that shit can secure a guy wearing a hard hat to an I-beam dangling off a skyscraper. While he madly gyrates his hips and tries to squirm loose.)
Sign #6 – A note that was sent with flowers in 2006. Keep in mind he left me the very next year…
(Oh. THERE’S the sign! “I will always be here for you no matter what” means “I will always be in your life, no matter if I leave you for Marilyn.” Now I see it!)
And finally: Sign #7 – Our final (10th) wedding anniversary. This was given to me August 16; I’m guessing he had already bought the brick, since the picture of the already-inscribed brick was sent in December.
So obviously, these are but a sampling…of the scores of cards, letters, e-mails and such that he left me in the aftermath of our separation. And taken together, they are a clear sign that…There. Were. No. Signs.
None. And this is the hardest part to comprehend.
I have talked to many people — on Facebook, through this blog, in real life — who tell me their spouses left them, and they spent the subsequent days/months/years searching for the signs. I know I did.
But we, the leavees (not to be confused with “levees,” which also means “dike,” which I am not, thank you very much…) need to rest assured that often, the leavers leave no signs.
What they do leave behind are broken hearts, and in some cases, physical symbols of their once-love. And while love can and does change, those left behind never deserve to hear the words, “Didn’t you see the signs.”
I for one am grateful for these written reminders, because they paint a vivid picture — one that contrasts greatly to the story being told to my children. One day, when they’re both mature enough, my children will read dad’s own words, in dad’s own writing, and have a clear understanding of the lack of signs, too.
Now, your turn: Can you relate to this question … or to an equally inappropriate question issued at the end of a relationship? If so, please leave a comment.
It’s like therapy. Without the $150/hour price tag…
Wow… amazing post – thankyou for sharing… can’t imagine what that must have been like… lost for words for a comment!
Well thank you for reading! 🙂 And yes, this was a truly difficult post to write — going through all those old cards literally made me physically ill. It’s hard to remember what I was feeling at all of those times, and to recall those feelings through the lens of life as it is now. Bizarre, to say the least…
Very well written and to the point. I throughly enjoyed reading this.
I can’t relate to this personally, but I’m sure many other people out there can.
You’ve successfully rendered me speechless…
Thank you for reading and commenting, Scott. I think I’m glad you’re speechless …
😉
Despite that I read this article silently in my head and not out loud, I meant to say that I was at a loss of words because normally there is signs, yet you’ve provided evidence. Which is simply, mind boggling.
At the end of the day, you know you did nothing to cause this. Which is somewhat comforting, I bet.
It is … now that I know it. It took me some time to realize I did nothing to cause this, but I know it now. And in reality, I’m better off for the experience. Now I have a chance to redefine myself, re-evaluate my life and find greater happiness with people worthy of my love!
🙂
Hell hath no Fury like a woman scorned.
Wow , intimate personal cards online for the world to see. Too Funny’
I don’t suppose he sucked in bed, and you’ll be posting a video as evidence.
Can’t wait to see what’s next -I’m subscribing
LOL, Herb. Nope, no video evidence to come, I promise. 😉
Actually, this has little to do with my being “scorned” but a lot to do with sharing experiences with which others can relate. So many friends have gone through something similar, and we’ve all been asked the same questions about “the signs.” This was just my attempt to offer proof that sometimes, no evidence exists.
Thanks so much for subscribing. Though no video is to come, there will be some good stuff — hope you agree! 🙂
My heart aches for the pain you so eloquently shared with an unknowing world. An ancient writer said, “The heart [of a man] is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” (found in the writings of the prophet Jeremiah 17.9) I believe you are able to offer proof positive.
I pray in the days to come you will find grace, peace, and the ability to love and be loved once again.
Odd that only men so far have commented…I suppose one man’s great betrayal continues to stain us all…
Thank you so kindly for the comment, Robert. What a beautiful (and somewhat disheartening) quote you’ve shared…I only hope that one day, I find the man who disproves it.
Hope to see you around these parts again! 🙂
I’m so sorry your marriage ended with no warning, that is heartbreaking. May I recommend a better guy? Hebrews 13:4-6:
4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
6 So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
Jesus won’t leave you, Revelation 19:5-8 is also a great passage. Take good care.
Thank you so much for the kind words! 🙂
Wow, amazing post. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to dig through these cards and post them here.
I get the sign question all the time. I’ve been asked, in an accusing fashion, how did I not know of all the lies my ex told? Because frankly, there weren’t that many signs. Maybe a stray one here or there, in seven years of love, but certainly nothing that would make me question him, realize he was living a whole other life that I knew nothing about. I have all the cards too – every anniversary, every birthday, every Valentine’s Day, sometimes just because. They say very similiar things. I’m so happy to have you. So lucky. I love you so much. I can’t wait to spend my life with you. I want to marry you some day. blah blah blah. I kept all the cards, in a pink box, hoping that someday I could share the cards and the other momentos of our relationship with our children. Look, here’s the ticket stub from our first movie together. Here’s the balloon he gave me for Valentine’s Day in 2008. Oh, but now I look at them in a timeline. I know the lies began in at least 2007. So why give me a balloon and sing me a song in February of 2008? The lies continued for years, so please tell me why you proposed to me in October of 2009? It’s so frustrating.
I hate when I’m asked if I saw the signs, because that places a lot of the blame on me. And I hate even more when people want details of how I found everything out – because they just want to selfishly know how to catch their lover in a lie.
I’m sorry for all you’ve gone through. There are no words. I hope the very best for you (and me) in the future. That someday, we’ll get notes like this – and trust them again.
Catherine — Just from reading your blog, I know you, of all people, can whole-heartedly relate to what I have shared here. Just the fact that you recognize how hard it was for me to dig through the memories shows how similar our paths have been.
You are so young to have gone through this pain, and I hope you find healing, too. There is one very ugly side to this post, and I was hoping it wouldn’t sound like I was trying to point it out (because I still like to think of myself as somewhat of an optimist): No matter how much you trust the man you’re with, no matter how assured you feel, the bottom can fall out at any moment. Now that I’ve lived this (and you have, too), that realization colors everything for me. How do we fully heal from that kind of betrayal? I do not know yet, but I hope someday, I’ll write a post that shows how far I’ve come. Three years later, I’m not there. But some day…
Thank you again for reading. And thank you for sharing part of your experience. It’s so hard to do, but I truly feel better for doing it — I hope you do, too! 🙂
Wow, this was tough to read. That’s some serious pain. I wonder, though, how “healthy” (sorry I just can’t find a better word) it is to hang on to those cards. Don’t you think your kids will know they were born into a relationship that was originally rooted in love – even if it did go sour? I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this and hope you find lightness in your new Me 2.0! Your gift of sharing, though, is a gift to rest of us.
Oh, Mary…I wish I didn’t have to keep these. Really, I do. It would feel so great to purge and be rid of the memories myself, but there are other significant factors at play. Namely, my ex has somehow convinced his new wife that I somehow forced him (at gunpoint or something, no doubt) to stay with me for the 10-year duration of our marriage. And that is essentially what they’re communicating to our children as well, who were 5 and 8 when we divorced. So they were too young to really remember us together (especially my then-5-year-old daughter). So they’re susceptible to this messaging, which just scares me — and which is the reason for the keepsakes.
I’ll never forget the day my daughter came home from her dad and Marilyn’s and told me, “Dad and Marilyn say that your marriage didn’t really count or matter, because he loved her first.”
So now maybe you can understand why I’d want these in my back pocket (or, in a bin buried in my garage)? The ex and his ex-ex have waged a huge PR campaign, and when the kids are old/mature enough, I will have the “real” story in dad’s own writing to deflect some of these horrifying messages.
And thanks for the feedback. Love it! I hope you keep reading… 😉
I 100% understand now. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You will continue to gain strength…even if it feels slow at first. Thank you for sharing your bravery.
So true…it is a slow process, but in the words of Gloria Gaynor, “I Will Survive!”
And to be perfectly honest, I’m happier now than I ever was — though I’m a bit jaded and have some pretty serious trust issues. Just ask your ex! LOL… 😉
I know it’s hard to believe, but your children will most likely grow up and realize the truth on their own if you can only raise them with love and dignity. It sounds as though you shared no wrong in this. Try to keep it that way. You will be glad you did. It worked for me.
Hindsight is 20-20. For me, there were signs but I somehow chose not to see them. No doubt to protect myself. Signs like working late or working so late that he couldn’t come home so he’d call to say he was spending the night on the sofa in the office. LOL. I fell for that line several times.
Ah, the double-edged sword of trust: Once someone has earned it, it’s hard to take it away; but once it has been taken away, it’s practically impossible to earn it back!
It is hard not to feel like a fool in the aftermath of betrayal. But in reality, we were simply trusting souls…
Thanks for the comment, Monica! 🙂
This post definitely made my heart hurt. Thanks for sharing and I look forward with you for the day when your kids will “get it.” It must be so hard in the meantime!!
Thank you so much for the comment…and the “virtual” support! To be perfectly honest, writing this post made my heart hurt more than I thought it would. It’s not that I miss him … I just miss how I felt when I received these cards, notes and emails.
Hope to see you around here often…look forward to visiting your blog as well! 🙂
My husband cheated, but I had signs it was coming. Many. I hurt for you though. I can’t imagine the ending coming as a total shock. Cannot imagine. Hugs, and strength to you.
Thank you kindly, Teri…I’m sure having many signs was in many ways more painful than not seeing anything at all.
Hell…what am I saying: ANY way that you find out your husband is a cheater SUCKS! 😉
I hope your catharsis continues and you can emerge a stronger, more independent, and absolutely gorgeous woman that you already are! I felt like I was going on a little bit of memory lane myself. I once was with a man in my younger years that wrote me all of the same lovey dovey, sickly sweet, perfect romantic lines…and then turned around and went back to his ex. So it was definitely a sign to me…he was trying to convince himself and you are simply collateral damage unfortunately! It is truly sad that some men are so desparate to be with someone that they cause totally unsuspecting partners to believe they are the center of their universe. And they can move in that orbit for years. But then the axis changes, or there is a solar flare, who knows… and next thing you know, whoosh… they pull the rug out from underneath you. Back to my first line…you are wonderful, and even though it hurts, you will be better for it. BTW love the pictoral choices you make for each blog intro…you are a real pro!
Ha…solar flare. I now blame that … and there’s always the tumor!
Thank you so much for the feedback, Kimberlee. I am feeling stronger every day, thanks to support from a fantastic blogging community and friends like you.
Mick,
I feel your pain and you know I love you. You need to hold on to those cards no matter how painful as proof. I held on to a taped phone call that came in handy when my confused son came to talk to me how things “really” went down. Boy, was I glad I had that tape. Once played to him, my son just hugged me and said” I’m sorry Mom, He was really mean.”
The best part was my wonderful son saying,” I will NEVER do that to my family or children.” There is a silver lining in hurt and also in saving the painful memories.
Keep on moving forward. Your children make it worth it .They are so smart and they will “get it” when the time is right.
Love, Gail
Gail … you are proof positive that holding onto these icky memories is so important! Thanks for the reminder. And yes, my incredible children make it all worthwhile. I have to be grateful in a way to my ex for giving me these amazing gifts. I am grateful for them every day of my life — even when they’re not in my home. 🙁
“Didn’t you see the signs” is an absolute cop out. He wants to make it not All His Fault and a little bit Your Fault. Which it’s not. At all. He wanted to act like normal everyday but some how your psychic senses tell you something was wrong so he’d not have to go through the hard business of just telling you himself.
Good luck in your journey, I loved reading this post. Very honest, real and raw x
Thank you so much for stopping by, and it really means a lot that you commented.
I think you’re absolutely right: It is a total cop out. But as you can imagine, in the aftermath of the separation, those words were rather haunting. It indicated that I should have been aware, and yet I was completely baffled by it all.
But I will continue to press on, and I thank you for the luck. I’m sure to need it!
Mikalee – Wow, I just felt the need to comment – the post was so wonderfully presented. I hope it was theraputic for you, another step in your healing process. I have never experienced the pain that you have (and hope I never do). I am fortunate and very sorry for the continual heartache you experience with your children being subjected to the venom spewed by their father. I am sure you are fully capable of overcoming your hurt and betrayal, but to see and be in fear of what your children are being exposed too.. how many years of therapy are they going to need and can they have healthy future relationships? Why can’t parents think first of the well-being of their children and put aside their own selfish agendas and need to use their children as retribution against their ex??
Sorry about the min-rant. I wish you the best and happier days ahead. There is someone out there worthy of YOU!
Deb
Deb…how kind! Thank you so much — there is much healing through other’s perspectives, and I thank you for yours.
I worry constantly about how this “game” being played on the other side will impact my children long term. It’s hard enough growing up in this day and age — add in all the drama in this situation, and I’m prepping myself for a wild ride through the teen years! But I am steadfast in my commitment to being the best mother and example possible. And I’m truly blessed with the world’s most amazing kiddos.
Thank you again — would love to see you around here again! 🙂
This post is truly incredible, Mikalee. I also keep love letters and notes from past relationships, but I am lucky enough to be able to read them and relive fond memories rather than ugliness…very fortunate, wouldn’t you say? Marilyn thinks she got a prize, but judging by her actions with your children, I think she and your ex deserve each other in ways they don’t even understand yet. Best of everything to you and YOURS!!
Heidi — I so appreciate your thoughts here. You’re absolutely right — things have a way of working out, and I wish them an eternity of … each other! 😉
I’d say that in (as usual 20/20) hindsight, when someone professes their love so much, it can’t be good.
In my experience, a stable, mutually satisfying relationship is built on honesty and candor, and honestly and candidly – most people find a lot of faults in other people – especially someone they spend so much of their time with.
A good relationship is always a compromise, because if it’s not it means you are lying to yourself, or being lied to – in any case, this kind of thing always blows up at some point.
Interesting thoughts, and I do agree that honesty and candor are the foundations of a relationship. However, in my youth and naivete, I whole-heartedly believed that these notes represented his honest, candid feelings…I had no reason to believe otherwise.
Truly, we were the best of friends, and there were few disconnects between us. That I knew of…
I think some people are extremely vocal about their love (as I thought my then-hubby was), while others are more subtle. Either way, we all find our ways of expressing ourselves, and I believed these notes with every fiber of my being.
Thanks for stopping by!
I think if a guy says all that stuff and really means it, then he shouldn’t be making the time for the other woman. What you are presenting in your post may be things that he believed at the time he said them, but he’s the one who made the time for the other woman.
I’m saying he had to make the time for the other woman, so he knew that’s what he was doing. Other women don’t just fall out of the sky. Maybe he believed she was making him a better offer, or maybe he just had the time to spend on her and went that way. Maybe he figured he could handle two. That never lasts, but some guys do that. Some women do that.
I don’t think you should blame yourself for not seeing signs. However gradually this other woman thing happened, he knew what he was doing, and he knew he coulldn’t keep it going forever so he made some kind of decision which is not your fault.
Ask yourself if you had known all along what was going on, would you still be willing to tolerate it now, sharing your man with another woman. Probably not, right? Then when you figure her participation, you have to realize maybe you’re better off without all that drama going on, behind your back, or in your face, or however it came up.
The day may come when he’ll change his mind again. I just thought I’d throw that in there. Rock steady. Some people don’t know how good they have it until they blow it. I hope you stop looking for signs because it seems obvious to me that he blew it.
Wow … so true in so many ways. And nope, I would NEVER, EVER tolerate “sharing” my husband with anyone. So yes, I’m lucky I found out!
What I would also never do is knowingly accept a man into my life who did this to a woman to whom he was married. Something like this reveals true character. So again…I’m fortunate in so many ways!
Thank you for your thoughts — and for stopping by.
I’ve never been married, but I do know what goes through a guy’s mind sometimes. I can’t tell you very many survival skills without violating the man-club oath <{:-D still if I read more of your delightfully articulate posts I might think of something you can add to your list of things to watch out for. Like loose ends.
“Abandon all hope ye who enter here”
Best sign I ever saw.
wow… cool post… what to say… just amazing
http://isrough.wordpress.com
Is it bad if I see a sign in the notes?
It’s the gratuitous use of exclamation points in his handwriting. You can’t trust people who can’t master punctuation. And you especially can’t trust them when it involves feigning that much excitement.
Ok, ok, exclamation points are a pet peeve of mine. Sarcasm and hyperbole aside, I feel for you. It takes a special form of cold, ruthless douchebaggery to say a lot of those things without meaning them. Then again, I feel odd even commenting on it, as if it’s any of my business.
Hey John … do you mind if I steal your word “douchebaggery”? Love love LOVE it!
And I’m with you about the exclamation points — and in hindsight, I totally see that sign. But in my youth and naivete, I guess I mistook “feigning excitement” for “actual excitement.” And in reality, I had no reason not to — we were best of friends, we had an amazing life and family.
Oh well. Onto someone who can more subtly make use of punctuation…
So many “wow!” comments here, and I’ll throw in my own.
Wow, that was actually a dream I had a couple years after my own marriage fell apart. My ex and I were in a van on a mountain road, she was driving, and there was a sign, “Road Out Ahead”. We ignored it, and ended up in freefall, looking at each other as if to say, “Oh well, we didn’t pay attention.”
I woke up (before we hit bottom, thankfully) and knew at that moment: If I could dream about it, and it wasn’t a nightmare, then I was at peace with what had happened.
What an incredibly symbolic dream! And I agree, it definitely represents healing. Congrats on that…and here’s to continued peace!
Crap. I posted something about a dream I had under a different reply in this section, Mikalee. Would’ve been more appropriate here. You are my internet hero for putting this blog up. I’m getting some small comfort from your writing, and everyone else’s responses etc, so guess I’m just saying… thanks.
And today was the day that I began going through the boxes w/all these cards and letters in them. Y’know, I wrote them to her, too. Thing is…. I kinda think I meant mine a whole lot more.
You’re absolutely welcome. And I wish you luck going through the boxes…it’s a tough process, but it’s also cathartic.
The bottom line: Those cards represent a relationship that may have changed beyond repair, but you have not changed beyond repair. You will carry the scars forever, but time will bring healing and perspective.
And that perspective will reveal that you rock…and you deserve far better. 🙂
It seems trite to write, “well done” but ..it was. Well written. The pain, shock and horror seeps through. It was also courageous and, I hope, cathartic? My mother used to say this (referring to someone else’s bad behavior), “If someone wants to show their a**, let them. It’s no reflection on you.” And she’s right. It’s his to own. I’m very sorry for your experience but I applaud your ability to convey it so eloquently.
Thank you so much for the blogging support — and yes, writing and sharing is definitely cathartic for me. I love your mom’s quote … much truth there. I have a feeling I’ll be reminding myself of that line for many years as I face the challenges inherent to sharing custody! 🙁
Unfortunately I’ve had many occasions to repeat that one to myself, like a mantra … “if someone wants to show their a**, let them … it’s no reflection on you.” I forgot to add 2 words: “my dear.”
Peace
I want to learn how to cross-stitch now, just so I can have the phrase, “If someone wants to show their a$$, let them,” on a tea towel–and I will frame that shit .
Just ran across your blog here and found it to be some interesting reading. I too failed to see the signs. Hidden behind some shrubberies I think. I too have a bunch of cards telling me how much she loved me. The week of our split, we were talking about buying a new house and having kids. Now the reason I probably missed the signs was because when she said we should buy a new house, she failed to say it was so I had a place to live when her boyfriend moved in with her in our old house. She also failed to mention when she said she was ready to have kids, she wanted them with someone else. Useful information that she left out.
My big Vegas style sign came when I got laid off at work. Next day, found out she emptied the checking account, the savings account, the invesment account, and took cash advances on all my credit cards up to their limits. Her response as to why she did this. “I am sorry, I am seeing someone else. I just didn’t know how to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.” It seems taking everything I ever worked for was a less painful way of breaking the news to me, especially a day after I lost my job. So glad my feelings were her top priority.
In the end, she found out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. Seems she trusted her boyfriend with my money. He went on a spending spree and dumped her. After I refused to take her back, the lawyers went to town. In the end, we both lost. Nobody really wins divorce. The only satisfaction that came out of it is knowing she has to work three jobs to pay for the mess she created.
Unbelievable. You know, it’s amazing how many of us have dealt with truly bat shit crazy things…your story reminds me how much this community of people who’ve been through the crazy need to hang together. That’s what my blog is about — sharing, helping others gain perspective, inspiring reinvention.
I do hope you’re doing better in the aftermath … certainly better than your ex! 🙂
Honestly, never thought it would happen to me. We were together for 13 years. Never had any serious problems. We never even really had a fight. It seemed like we were doing everything right.
I have seen a lot of people go through the wringer. Never thought I would. Even though it has been close to 5 years since we seperated, sometimes it is still hard to believe things ended the way they did.
Things do get better. May not seem that way at times. Especially when it comes to dating. A lot of horror stories there. Putting your trust into someone after going through the wringer is never easy either. For me, I got to the point where I didn’t want to date. Instead, I focused on myself and the things that make me happy. Found a lot of new interests and learned a lot of new things along the way. When I wasn’t looking, the right women walked into my life.
Thirteen seems to be a magic number…that was mine, too. Funny, I always thought it was the “7 year itch” …
Yip, the whole dating thing has proven crazy. I have many good stories to share in that regard as well, which is definitely fodder for future blogs. “Trust” is certainly elusive when you’ve been betrayed.
It sounds like things are good for you, though — congrats!
Someone just pointed me towards your blog, and I spent a good afternoon reading through and nodding my head. I am in the midst of my (surprise!) divorce right now, and your story definitely rings true to me.
My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We’ve known each other since we were 14 years old, and started dating at 16. We were even named “cutest couple” in the high school yearbook. That was 13 years ago. In February I discovered he had been having affairs for years, beginning (so I thought) when I was pregnant with our daughter. Classy, all around. We fought and screamed and cried and decided we were going to try to work things out. Then in August I discovered he was still in contact with one of his classy little ladies, and I kicked him out. To make a long story short, we have been separated for almost 3 months, and I keep discovering more and more and more. He has a new girlfriend…has in fact for months. He would whine and cry to me about how he wanted to fix things, and just needed more time, and then go home to his new whore. I also found out he has been cheating for at least 10 years or more. Slept with his (then) best-friend’s girlfriend, in fact. We are now in the process of divorcing, and I just find it amazing how quickly your life can just fall apart. Two weeks before we separated we were looking at a new house to buy, so we would have room for a bigger family. Now I’m a single mom with a dead end job, a confused toddler, and a completely shattered heart.
So in short (hah!), I too never saw the signs. I dread that question every time. “How did you not know? There must have been something.” There was nothing. I truly never, ever saw this coming. I really thought we would have more kids and be one of those little old couples holding hands in our rockers on the porch one day. There were no signs.
That was a long ramble to say “I enjoy your blog”. 😉
Wow…just wow. I read through your comment 3 times already trying to figure out what to possibly say to help…but I got nothing! Except this: I’m so sorry, and you deserve so much better. I’m not going to lie: this will undoubtedly be the hardest days of your life. But I’m living proof that you’ll get through it. So will your child, who will someday learn just how strong Mommy really is!
Hang in there. You have friends…even virtual ones like myself. Take advantage of every resource at your disposal. And above all else, take care of you. 🙂
I think for a lot of us, there are no signs. Like you, one week my ex and I were talking about buying a new house, having kids, and planning the next steps in our lives. The next week, I got laid off at work, found out all our accounts were cleaned out, and my wife was seeing another guy for 6 months while I was working. It is crushing.
There is no easy way to move on after something like this. It takes time and it takes a lot of work to get back on your feet. It is scary. Things will get better in time.
My heart goes out to you. This too shall pass.<3 i have hope that you'll find someone worth your time and embrace feminism in all it's power and glory.
Why thank you, Miss Avocado! I love your name, and I’ve just decided I want a fruit-inspired Super Hero-like name, too.
Miss Cucumber, perhaps. Actually, that brings something entirely different to mind…
Thanks so much for stopping by! 🙂
Ana , from Argentina.
In my case, I had signs, but I was very stubborn in not seeing them. At the end, I realized I could no longer be looking to another side, and I left him. It was no easy, but when I felt I reached a dead end, I quitted.
Nice to read you.
un beso
Ana, good for you for recognizing that you were at a dead end. When you get there, you really feel it, don’t you? I know I did. I fought him for months, thinking I could just make it all right. But in the end, a marriage needs two people working at its repair — not just one.
Congrats on having the fortitude to do what was right for you. I hope you find peace in healing…
I really enjoyed this posting. Yes, I saw the signs because, unlike you, I did not enjoy wedded bliss like you did. You were completely blind-sided. I struggled with my marriage because I whole-heartedly believed that was what a good wife did. You coped, you forgave, you did whatever it took to make it work. This is not to say that I got this idea through observation of my family members. My X had at least 2 affairs that I know of, one of whom was a stripper who was willing to quit the business for him – FUCK that seems funny now! Anyway, the last straw was when he told me on the flight back from our 10th Anniversary trip that he had (yet another) girlfriend. All these issues with him hurt my feellings and diminished my sense of worth and self-esteem. He broke the last peice of my heart when he moved out, and in with her. The great news is, 9 years after the fact, I feel that I am better off without him. He practically did me a favour. I love the person I am now and I know I will not settle or give in. I am familiar with compromise though! And I am with a man who shows me a stable, loving and respectful relationship. Every day with him is a gift, and btw, he was also dumped by his X so he knows exactly how I feel and how hard it is to recover from that rejection. All the signs so far, are pointing towards a long fulfilling relationship with him.
Ciao for now
Cat, I wish you all the best in this new and healthy relationship, and I thank you so much for sharing your story. It breaks my heart to realize how many of us put up with less than we deserve, and I’m loving how much I’m reading about women (and men) who have taken back control and now realize how much better off they are!
And I think a sign of healing is when you can see the humor in seemingly dark situations. For example: your observations about the stripper, and mine about the brick. We rock,and these guys didn’t deserve us.
Thank you for commenting! 🙂
I knew my wife had been unhappy for quite some time, so I saw signs, but obviously not all of them. She was telling me she loved right up to the day she moved out, not to mention the mercy f*** I got the night before. I love your writing….while I still can’t get my head around this whole screwy situation, your words and humor and tone help me feel less alone and more connected to everyone else stuck in a similar mess. Thanks.
Hey, Kirk…thank you for stopping by and visiting! And thank you for sharing pieces of your story as well.
I think there is so much value in talking about these situations and relating to others who share similar experiences. As a society, I think there is a lot of pressure on us to STFU and move on — but how can you do that without really processing it?
I will keep providing this venue as long as I (legally) can — hope to see you around these parts again!
Kirk, my soon-to-be ex, smashed on Vodka, tried that “let’s f*k” stuff the night before my son told me we were getting a divorce. Perhaps she wanted it to be a mercy f*** too, but I am just glad I didn’t hit that again, after she’d just had her secret ding-dong spending the night while I was out of town on business.
I don’t know where that pickle’s been, and I am grateful I don’t have to worry about that sh*t. Come to think of it, there wasn’t much merciful about our sex life to begin with, except that it’s over now. 🙂
I sit here drinking my Saturday morning coffee and reading your blog..with tears streaming down my face. Tears of laughter! Girl, I love your writing style. And I feel we share a sistahood of sorts.
I guess I fall into a catagory that another person commented about. There were NUMEROUS signs all along the way for me. Like a popcorn trail showing me the fucking door would be the best option. But, like a lot of women, I chose to forget the transgressions and work through all the bullshit for the sake of the children and the family unit.
See, I came from a dysfunctional family and I wanted so badly to make this one work. To have ONE FAMILY that held it together. And I thought we loved each other and the children enough to make it work. Sadly, he said he felt the same and would never leave me, but went back on that promise.
I still believe he had a midlife crisis and is still having it. He has met a 28 year old woman (he is 55) and plans to rush her to the alter and impregnant her ASAP, as he says to me that , “he knows he isn’t getting any younger, time is of the essence.”
These days, I have turned my anger and rage and depression towards getting in the best shape of my life. I have gone from being the zen chick that listens to Sarah MacLachlan and lights candles and incense, to the tough chick that works out to Eminem and baked the Thanksgiving Dinner with AC/DC blarring in my earbuds. I am feeling empowered and grateful in many ways that SHE will have to deal with things like his ridiculous snoring, back hair and outdated toupe. Actually, when I feel a depressed thought come over me; I picture HER in bed with him snoring incredibly loud and she is laying there in the dark, eyes wide open with a look of frustration on her face.
Love the blog, keep it coming! My Ex actually encouraged me to write that book I always wanted to write. I think he would be peeing himself to know that you are inspiring me to possibly move forward on that idea. Only, I think he figures it will be on my childhood and not a tell all on his penchant for escorts, 18 year olds, and live porn that he blamed on our 8 year old son..
I love your comment! I can relate to everything you’ve said. I especially visualize my 50 year old husband in bed with the 30 something lover snoring, farting, etc. Too funny.
Not much to say here, except that U Rock, Heather. Just hope your turkey wasn’t “Back in Black”. Have a drink on me, and always, ALWAYS….”Shoot to Thrill”!
Btw, I looked at internet porn, for a time when our sex life went to hell. I’m a MAN, and I owned up to it, though. To blame your transgressions an innocent 8 yr old is the absolute dooshiest douchebaggery in the history of Douchebags. smh @ the gall….
We are definitely sistas, Heather…I can relate to so much of what you wrote here!
In my 1.0 version, I was soft and shy and decorated with flowers. My 2.0 is experiencing what I call my “blood and death” stage (everything floral in my home went to blood red, black and silver — almost goth in theme. Like my blog background, in fact…).
Keep writing, keep healing, and keep recognizing that you deserve so much better. 🙂
Hi,
I just stumbled on your blog today. I hope you’ll keep it up because I think that writing is very cathartic. I’ve had a few friends and, just recently, my sister-in-law in similar situations to yours. What is becoming apparent is that the men in question turn the ex-spouse into some type of villain. I think it’s to make themselves feel better about their behavior, like it’s somehow justified. As to the comment made to your son that your marriage didn’t count because your ex loved the other woman first…how hateful and toxic! It’s unfortunate that children get caught in the crossfire. I hope that you will stay strong and be the better person for your children’s sake. Wishing you happiness and healing. xo
Hi, Stacey — thank you for this heartfelt, supportive comment. And you’re absolutely right about the vilification that occurs. In my case, I think it’s driven both by guilt (maybe I’m giving him too much credit, but I’m actually hoping he still feels something for what he did) and in my case also by his wife (who believes I stole 13 years of bliss from her, as my ex and I dated for 3 years and were then married for 10 before he returned to his ex-girlfriend-now-wife).
Anyhow, while I understand where it comes from, I sit in disbelief when I experience it. And when the kids get wind of it, it makes me CRAZY!
I hope your friends and sis-in-law can stay strong through this as well. Maybe send them my way, and they can take part in this big community healing process we’re all undertaking! The more, the merrier.
Take care, and I hope to see you around here again!
Hi again
I have to let you know, I’m walking around day after day smiling to myself at these notes he left pouring out his undying love for you over the years. I’m smiling because not only will he now be cringing as a fool and a fraud but Marilyn must be livered/jealous/anxious/insecure/ and for excellent reason. He would have spun the usual yarn, my wife didn’t understand me, we were never THIS connected, you’re my real soul mate…blah blah blah. And now, thanks to the miracle of scanning, we have the real truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He DID have relations with THAT woman. No amount of squirming and spinning can paint these notes as a casual & failing meaningless relationship. And if he did paint that picture, he’s now proved himself a liar to her as well as a fraud. (Already a cheat, that was the intial quality she was looking for in a guy.)
And I’m loving it because all of us who have been there KNOW our ex-partners DID love, and deeply, and over a long period of time, but we didn’t have the evidence to prove it & rub it in their noses, or the vehicle to do it. No wonder they’re seeking legal action to stop the truth getting out when it’s as embarrasing & frightening as this. Marilyn must be shattered. If he’s been writing her notes like these, what are they worth? If he hasn’t , he’s in more trouble. Lose lose really.
But smile smile for me. At work, in the garden, cooking dinner. I just keep smiling at how smart & credible you’ve proved you are and how insincere & dumb they are. ‘Pop’ . That’s Marilyn’s big fat romantic fantasy bubble bursting. I wonder if this blog caused a teeny weeney bit of tension between them. As they say, the truth hurts!
Yes, quite the yarn it must’ve been: I do believe, in his version of our reality, I tied him to the bed and only brought food and water when he agreed to try to impregnate me.
Yeah. Not so much.
And you’re absolutely right about the lose-lose situation. I almost feel sorry for them. I did say, almost…
Well, as for inappropriate questions… I once broke up with a fiance whom I was living with, but didn’t have anywhere to go until the next day. That night, he asked me for “breakup sex”.
I know that’s not really what you meant, but I laugh every time I think about it.
Wow…the nerve! Did he really think it would work?
That’s a pretty good inappropriate question, I must say. 😉
What’s the story with the brick? I don’t believe a partner should ever have to ‘see the signs.’ You were married, for god’s sake, it isn’t supposed to be a guessing game! So sorry for your poor kids, knowing about the affair. That must have been really hard! I’m only 13 years old and have given up on the idea of a successful marriage! How sad is that?!
So at first, I was alarmed to learn that you are 13 — I take every precaution to ensure my readers are of “age” (considering the mature concepts discussed here … and I tend to have a little of a mouth). But apparently your parental controls on your computer allow you to come here…please know that the audience is expected to be a bit older. You should make sure to ask you mom if you have any questions about the content here.
But in response to your comment: I wish boys and girls at the tender age of 13 didn’t have to feel this way! That breaks my heart. I was the exact opposite: the little girl who dreamed about her perfect life and perfect wedding and perfect marriage. My reality, however, has illustrated to me that something like this can happen despite your perfect plans. But do keep in mind there are many, many couples out there on first and only marriages who do share a mutual definition of commitment and love. It can happen!
usually, when people are surprised my my age its because they are taken a back by my amount of wisdom and maturity! But i see where your coming from. I’m a freak when it comes to content on the net that i shouldn’t be looking at, i skip the posts that i don’t think i should look at. And I’m certainly not immune to swearing. Sadly enough you haven’t said anything that i don’t know about already, and that would be mainly thanks to the discussions some of the boys have in my class when the teacher isn’t there. Honestly, sometimes I want to yell bring me a bucket and some ear plugs! It’s sad, the things that children are exposed to these days.
I used to be like that, now i just know how reality is. I hope I’ll be one of the lucky ones, i want it so badly. I’ve just got to find the right person, and be ready for that kind of commitment.
You certainly exhibit a ton of maturity and wisdom … I just wouldn’t be a good mom (to two children almost your age) if I didn’t warn you. While I’ve taken every precaution I can, I definitely don’t want to be a bad influence!
And yes, totally agreed: kids are exposed to way too much these days. Makes me a little sad, knowing what my own children will soon be exposed to.
Keep the faith! Love is out there — I know many happily married couples. I think it takes a combination of luck, timing and intuition, but it’s definitely possible… 🙂
In the last painful months of my terminal marriage, my ex was trying his best to convince me we would be much happier and be able to fix 10 years worth of problems if we had an “open marriage”. During one conversation I asked him tearfully, “Why are you doing this to me?”, to which he replied, “Why don’t you do the laundry?” To be fair, my domestic skills are definitely below par. I just didn’t realize til that point that if your husband has to wash his own socks, it also means he gets to sleep with your friends. With your blessing. In your bed. But hey, you can join them if you want. And, you don’t have to do the laundry. Win/win, right?
I found your blog from your comment in a Freshly Pressed blog, really.
Maybe because I can relate to what you write I really loved it, I’m a subscriber now. About the court action, I send him the good old “FU” .|. sign.
Some people really think they are the center of the world and can step on anyone they want,…
Wow. I guess I see why he’s taking you to court, a little too honest. But shame on him! Things change in relationships of course, but he sounds completely full of it and led you on. This is a sad thing, what a terrible let down you had! I say blog away, blog until it doesn’t hurt anymore. In the process you learn a few things about yourself and become a better writer. That’s what I did, but not as funny and cleverly as you have. Oh, your mention about your daughter’s hair getting cut….. I’d have gone postal on the beotch. People can be so cruel, love is not fair. Keeping going, you’ll win in the end! Many blessings.
I’m happily married. I’ve read your blog, pretty much all of it. You have my empathy and my prayers. But I wanted to let you know that you also got me to thinking. As much as I don’t want to distrust my husband, who appears to be a steady rock (and probably is), I want to be prepared for the future. I never finished school . . . signed up today. I’ve been thinking a lot about finishing and now I’m moving forward in it . . . for me, for my two kids and for our family. If my husband were to do something like your ex and/or died (kinda prefer he died . . . though I’m not threatening, just sayin’) I would need a way to sustain us (kids and I). Right now I’m home full time with them and I enjoy it, but I credit your words giving me that final push towards a better future. Ok, didn’t mean to leave a heavy comment . . . =0) I love your writing!!
My husband confessed the affair, begged me to stay, and then has spent over a year trying to avoid dealing with what caused it. “We fought all of the time”, or “we had lost all connection to one another”. The OW was also an old girlfriend from high school, and somehow she was the lost love of his life.
I am not a writer, but I am a historian and a researcher by profession, and so I also keep “primary sources” and once I waded through the hurt and actually started thinking again, I dug out all of the momentoes of our life together, as well as the vacation and special event Photos, and because he wanted me to stay, he actually had to sit down and look at them and answer questions – “So, you were unhappy here?”, “During this event, you felt no connection?”. Nothing I had said made any difference, but evidence showed him that he had been delusional. The most amusement that I have had during this whole mess was the day I realized that he really believed she was the long lost love of his life – from high school – and I actually KNEW that wasn’t true. When I pulled his yearbook out of the storage shed and looked her up I really did laugh out loud – he had described this beautiful blond, blue eyed dancer that he had loved for so long, and the picture was of a frumpy dark eyed girl with really bushy dark brown hair who was in band . I really wish I had recorded his face. He really could not even recognize her, and looked frantically for some evidence of the girl he had in his head. She never existed.
Don’t get me wrong – he had plenty of old girl friends, but I had either met them or his friends from high school had filled me in.There were one or two girls from his past that I could have left me with no way to fight off the disbelief, and if it had been some new woman – I would have had no way to believe he did not love her now. In fact, I was completely able to believe he loved the ex now, which he insists that he did not – that it was just old feelings….but the person he had the feelings for never existed…
Sorry for the ramble! I guess my point is that people appear to be able to convince themselves of anything. What I have taken away from this experience is that keeping mementoes and a journal or diary is a very healthy activity. Sometimes the memories can actually save your sanity since I had stated to doubt over 25 years of history, and the physical evidence has helped me stay grounded.
Wow — what an amazing story, Robin. Thank you for sharing — and I’m so sorry for the pain this undoubtedly caused.
But you’re SO right about the physical evidence. It’s irrefutable — in terms of my notes and letters, I’ve come to realize that either he was lying then, or he’s lying now. And it really doesn’t matter now so much, as regardless of the outcome, he’s a liar. Pure and simple. And I deserve better than that. As do you…
What’s up with the long-lost high school loves, anyhow? Sheesh…
Thank you so much for such an amazing comment. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your process. Here’s to men who are grateful for real, beautiful, actual women…and not so much the made-up memories of long-lost loves from an imaginary past.
I had many signs and attempted to stop the relationship and get ours back on track. I was told I was being controlling and oppressive and they were just friends or he just spent all that time with her because she was the mother of their kids. And then he moved in with her for the sake of their kids. It doesn’t matter if there are signs or not… you still can’t seem to stop the inevitable.
Love your blog.
Thank you SO much for stopping by, sharing a piece of your story … and commenting! I completely agree with your assessment: sometimes you can’t stop the inevitable. And your comment also highlights the importance of that “gut feeling.” You clearly had it — for good reason!
Ah to hell with signs, good riddance I say! I hope your ex had the decency to really feel sorry for the pain he has caused you. But moving on, you blog rocks! You rock! Cheers to impowered women willing to re-invent themselves!
Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s no remorse to be felt on the other side of this equation. But I’m sure glad I’ve decided to embrace my life and learn from my past mistakes — it was hard to do, but I’m so much happier for it all!
Thanks again for reading and commenting. 🙂
ok, you’re gonna lurve this… for our (last) anniversary, my ex gave me a card: an old married couple on the front where she’s standing by the ironing board in curlers and a ciggie hanging out of her mouth. Then on the inside of the card, the guy is running (literally RUNNING) after a young BUXOM blonde bombshell. And he wrote on the back… I will never leave you. He called me a bitch AND a whore within the next two days and “something” made me check the answering machine by remote access when he was supposed to be home, and of course, there it was… “hey honey, are you in the shower?” only it wasn’t my voice calling my house and leaving a message on my answering machine for my husband. Sometimes, they have the guts to give you signs… yours was a spineless lying bas…d who is lower than the dog poop you scrape off your shoes. All hail Marilyn!!! What a catch she got bwahahahahahaha
Oh. My. GOD!! That’s horrible — and makes me a little sick to my stomach. Still, all these years later, I can still feel that sense of dread and surprise and alarm and disgust when I discovered my brick. I can only imagine how you must have felt listening to that message!!!!
Indeed, these “other women” certainly got a catch, didn’t they? I hope they stay with them. FOREVER. Because really, that’s what they all deserve… 🙂
You’re a brilliant writer, thank you for sharing your life stories. I’m reading this from the other point of view though, as I have been “the other woman” and totally fell for a guy who was in a relationship, and I had no clue. I guess I didn’t see the signs either, huh?
Anyway, keep up the great writing!
Thank you SO much for the feedback and compliment, foxyrox…much appreciated!
And yeah, I think we’re all blind to the signs every now and then — sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance. I’m so sorry for your pain. I do hope to see you around here again, as we’d love to hear more about your experience, if you’d like to share…
hehehe quite a nice piece uve put together … I would love to find and share of few indian signs as well soon
Absolutely — interesting idea!
Have you entered my head? Cannot tell you how often, over the last two years since it hit the fan, I’ve searched my own stash of cards from our 15 years of marriage…just looking for the “signs.” In my case, my husband didn’t cheat, but rather the man I knew as husband and father disappeared from our family and marriage via an untreated/unaccepted combo of paralyzing anxiety and depression…his invisible, cruel mistress. While we were separated, supposedly to work on whatever “it” was that he couldn’t figure out, he suggested he bring over wine, hors d’oeuvres (he made himself) and celebrate our anniversary (coincidentally one day after yours!) on our patio. I surely saw no “sign” in that other than a sign of “he’s coming back to us!” and “he still loves me!” I saw no “sign” that he’d be throwing in the towel only 4 mos later when I read the card he gave me that day, 15 years into marriage, that said, “i love you, and I always will.” Nope. No signs of what he journalled about me (and I found)…all that was wrong and for how long. No signs that ,while I was spending every day of my life loving him and devoting myself to him and our children, he was leaving us in his mind. No signs that, though we had made a “date” to go to our favorite restaurant just after I returned with the kids from Christmas (separated 1 year by then), he was gearing up to cash it all in…. to say, “I guess I’m fine like this” he said (“this” = “alone), and then it was all over.
Now, he gets to live with his “mistresses” – Stress, Anxiety, Depression. Kids and I get to live with the fallout – divorce, visitation, clothes swapping, divorce meetings, co-parenting (aka “stuff I’ll say I’ll do but will never follow through with ) meetings, half-assed fathering….I’ll leave the rest of the list to your blog, since you’ve pretty much covered it for me. I, too, HATE the every-other-weekends when they are not with me (and all that it reminds me of).
Thanks for providing a place to rant, and a place to realize that there are other “blind” folks out there who are actually strong, articulate, capable women/mothers/(ex)wives.
let’s see… 3 weeks after the final papers arrived (by messenger) i was still living in our home, getting ready to move away. on my birthday, walked into the kitchen to find find flowers, balloons and a gift bag.
it may still be sitting there as far as i know.
someone please tell me what that sign meant.
Haha! Well, I have many guesses what it meant — but the fact that you left it there is an even better sign. Congratulations!