Beware: My baby blog craves brains. Yours may be next...

It has been a remarkable few weeks for this blog … and similarly, for me, this adorable little bouncing blog’s proud mommy. (Watch out: It drools. See above.)

And while the beginning of the year saw me storing the tree, packing away the lights and stashing the New Year’s Eve pecker tiara (for now — though I hope to break it out for a special occasion sometime soon … Barnes & Noble, here I come), it also saw a few crazy incidents that exposed my cute little baby blog to a much larger, extended family.

So I think it’s only appropriate to interrupt our regularly scheduled blog content to provide a proper introduction.

Baby Blog: These are your readers. Readers: This is my blog.

And at the expense of being considered the kind of obnoxious mommy who sends a holiday letter recapping every hiccup and poop from said baby to every friend, relative, co-worker and barista she encounters daily, I think it’s also important to recap some highlights.

You see, ironically, much of the success of the past few weeks can be attributed to two people for whom I hold a butt-load of contempt: Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla, or Care and JP, as I now call them due to our most intimate of hate-filled relationships built on condescension and utter, vile disdain.

In one day, thanks to a few remarks I offhandedly (and pissed-off-edly…yes, I made that word up) made on the HuffPost Divorce site and a Yahoo news story, I had more than 4,000 people visit my sappy little love letter (read: vitriolic, barbed, judgmental post) to Care and JP.

In one day. And that’s without experiencing the holy grail of WordPress promotion, Freshly Pressed status. Alas, I use expressions like “Fuck,” “Shit” and “Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket” too much to even be considered for that lofty distinction.

To add just a little context: At the time, that one-day viewership stat was almost half of my all-time total views since the blog baby exploded forth from my writing nether-regions at the end of August.

Pretty image, dontcha think?

Fast forward a few days, when I awoke to 600+ views as of 5:30 a.m., because overnight a TIME Magazine online article had linked to my site. The article suggested that blogs like mine should inspire people to get or stay married in the coming year. An interesting premise — if by “interesting” I mean ridiculous, preposterous, ludicrous, outrageous and any-other-word-ending-in-ous…well, except “consanguineous” … or “brachypterous” … or “pseudoparenchymatous” … or — oh, never mind.

Anyhow, of course a link compliments of the likes of TIME sent more than a few readers my way. And then, the TIME story was picked up on the Yahoo! News home page, meaning even more curious family members were suddenly crowding around the baby blog.

So with the influx of readers came a virtual tidal wave of comments and subscribers. In the past three weeks, my subscriber list has tripled, and I have had way more hits than Hanson (come on … you remember MMMBop, right?).

Which has all left me feeling … like abandoning my baby on a doorstep (any takers?).

Nah. I love my baby. And as a super-proud mommy, I’m ready to watch it experience life’s ups and downs, cut some teeth, throw a few tantrums and lock itself in its room, disavow all knowledge of me — you know, the typical list of pre- and post-pubescent behaviors.

I’m also excited for the opportunity to get to know this extended family, as I’ve already shared so much with my amazing, engaged, nuclear family through this blog — I think I speak on behalf of all readers when I say your comments have inspired us, pissed us off, supported us, made us cry, given us food for thought and personally made me aware that there are some slightly off-balance creepy whackos out there (yes, I do have exceedingly soft, supple feet and legs, thank you so much for inquiring kind-reader-whose-comment-I-didn’t-publish).

Now in order to provide an overview to those who are new to my silly little blog — to provide a road map of sorts marking must-see destinations, places where you can slow down without even stopping, etc., I’d like to offer some highlights and orientation.

First, if you came from TIME Magazine or Yahoo News: Welcome!

If you didn’t … where the hell did you come from, anyhow?

This is Me 2.0, a blog devoted to people embracing their next best selves, post trauma. Most of us have been hit over the head with a brick (literally or figuratively) by a traumatic divorce or separation, but not all — there are some who simply live vicariously through our fuckin’ awesome experiences. Who only wish they could be like us. And you know who you are. (Yip, you. No, not you. And yeah, definitely you.)

So for context and to be consistent with our established foot-fetish theme, it’s probably easiest to read this blog from the bottom up.

If you click “Home” above then scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page, you’ll encounter a cheery little post called “How my Marriage Ended with a Brick” — which was, of course, my first post. It describes the world’s most awesome of betrayal symbols: a literal, physical brick, which, upon figuratively striking me square between the eyes, gave me the keen awareness that my marriage was over.

But if you don’t have time to read the entire 18 posts (slacker…), here are my most popular blog posts to date, based exclusively on number of comments:

1.      Oh I’m Sorry … Am I Blogging Too Loudly?

2.      The Writing on the Wall…

3.      Audacity, thy name is…Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla

4.      Didn’t THEY See the Signs?

5.      Didn’t You See the Signs?

6.      On Broken Penises…and Broken Promises: A Treatise

7.      An Open “Dear John” Letter (on behalf of jilted ex-spouses everywhere…)

8.      Most Likely to Succeed … at Divorce?!?!

9.      You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up, Part Dos

10.     A Blog for a Blog?

Honorable Mention: Is she hot? (Ironically, this is one of my most viewed posts, but least commented upon. And I attribute this to something I’ve heard from many readers: the inherently unfulfilling aspect of the post that there are no pix provided for the side-by-side comparison. But, dear readers, you’re just going to have to trust me … the resemblance is uncanny.)

Alternate: Who is this Mikalee Byerman chick, anyhow? (While I don’t really consider this a blog post, I have to say that more people have clicked on my “About” page than any other individual post. It does give some insight into my special brand of crazy, inspiring quite a few comments.)

OK, there’s the overview — now for some fun facts. WordPress totally rocks, because it provides a list of the most popular search engine terms used to find your blog. This is my favorite thing to read every day — seriously, it’s better than reading the obits and trying to guess cause of death based on context clues.

And now, my Top 10 Google search faves from the past few months:

  1. shit divorce (You’ve taken my advice in droves, with 266 of you typing it into Google to see if I am, indeed, above Tiger’s ex-wife. In most cases, I am…though on some days, she is very satisfyingly on top of me. What can I say: I like it both ways.)
  2. dominatrix riding crop (Hmmm…I am a Scrabble Whore, after all.)
  3. example of birthday card for jesus christ (Don’t ask me. Also, on what other blog in the whole wide world would you ever find this search between the likes of #2 and #4. Just sayin’.)
  4. my cock belongs to you (Again: no idea.)
  5. best way to handle an awkward meeting with ex-husband (Yeah, um, if you’ve read this blog, you definitely know I’m not the best source for this kind of information.)
  6. “marilyn byerman” and all variations – including “marilyn blog that girl Byerman” and “who is marilyn referred by Mikalee” (Seriously, people, you must stop: Marilyn is not her name, it is only her pseudonym because of her crazy resemblance to a certain androgynous punk rocker!)
  7. too too tall (Thanks for exacerbating my already debilitating insecurities, Google search people…nice…)
  8. brick clichés (There are a ton of them, and interestingly, almost every single one has some crazy connection to being blindsided.)
  9. highschool yearbook pokie nipples (While I discuss Tic-Tac nipples in the post featuring my high school “Most Likely to Succeed” pic, I think people searching for this may be dissatisfied to learn pokie nipples are not part of the featured picture.)
  10. evil green girl (No doubt a search undertaken by my very own “Go Green Guy,” the dude who wanted to paint me green like the alien in Star Trek — and then have his way with me.)

Well, there you have it: Orientation, Top 10 fun, a brain-eating baby and the words “my cock belongs to you,” all in one happy little post. For those who are loyal readers, thank you for allowing this minor departure from the typical bat-shit crazy stories you’ve come to expect; for those new to the program, please tune in again. I promise fun, healing, crazy stories and the best little four-month-old blogging community known to man.

Also, don’t forget you can subscribe to my blog through e-mail so you never-ever-ever-EVER miss a post. Scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page and enter your e-mail address to sign your sexy ass up. Or click here for quick, painless and fool-proof directions chock-full of sexual innuendo.

And finally: For readers new and old, do me a favor? Perhaps you can leave a comment below and let me know what brought you here — and what keeps you coming back? It’ll help me plan for the future, as I’m thinking of retooling the blog to be a bit more subtle, sophisticated, delicate and refined — just like my sweet, charming and gentle inner nature.

Right. Fuck that! 😉