Here it is almost the end of November, a month chock-full of holidays (Yay Veterans! Yay Pilgrims! Run turkeys — run like the wind!) and relentless, tireless revelations about how fucking grateful we all are.
Now this is where I’m potentially going to piss some of you off. And I hope you understand this comes not from a place of bitterness, but rather sickness. You see, the return flight from South Carolina found my flying-phobic boyfriend sitting on the lap (practically) of our third-seater, a woman we’ll call Hacky. And she was a sack. Of mucus.
Hacky Sack (o’ mucus) coughed up phlegm. For 5 non-stop, turbulent hours.
And now I’m doing the same. The day I’m embarking on an 8-hour drive to Las Vegas to celebrate Thanksgiving with my brother and his family.
But one bright spot: Hacky + the contents of this picture:
…equaled no hives for Brett. He was too busy focusing on how scrumptia-lee-dumptious (and I quote) his drinks were.
And we were too fixated on this dude in the Sky Mall:
So all this mucus is making me a grump — granted. But you need to understand one thing: I’m totally grateful for so much — in a global sense: the world’s most amazing children; a Hive-a-licious Hunk o’ Love in my life; my new career; my blog; you…
But I’m not going to jump on the bandwagon. I’m not going to tell you how glittery and sparkly and happy and oh-so-grateful I am for every aspect of my life (well, apart from the partial list right above in that-there previous paragraph). Because in my NyQuil-induced haze, some of it seems to suck — and I’m a firm believer in venting to make it feel better.
Instead, I’m using my platform this Thanksgiving Eve to bitch. About things that bug me. Because I can.
Now you know I love lists, right? Well here it is: My Top 10 list of things that have bugged/are bugging/will bug the living shit out of me this month. In no particular order.
1. Cups boasting vacuous, disingenuous platitudes.
‘Tis the season…to buy a cup with stupid words on it. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
OK, so quick question: What came first: “Eat, Prey, Love”? Or “Live, Laugh, Love”? (And the latter is undoubtedly written in flowy, puffy, balloony script. Probably with a heart instead of a dot over the “i.”)
I’d like to create a line of cups for the disenchanted. Instead of “Live, Laugh, Love,” my cup will say:
“Die, Cry, Hate.”
Or instead of the opening image of me sipping my TheraFlu from my Post-it modified cup (the pre-edited version, BTW, bought lovingly by my mom, devoted blog reader that she is…), my snarky cup of awesomeness would say:
“The Universe hears…NOTHING. Because it has no fucking ears!”
2. This guy. Because he freaks me the fuck out.
Do me a favor: Try looking at him from any angle. Do you see that? The eyes — they FOLLOW you. I shit you not!
3. NaNoWriMo. Or NaBloPoMo. Or whatever cute little acronym you can make out of words ending in “o.”
To this endless parade of “I’m-going-to-make-you-feel-like-crap-because-you-don’t-write-enough” guilt trips, I have this to say:
Stop being so fucking annoying with your NaNoWriMo bullshit, mother fuckers.
Or, in their language:
(Boyfriend Brett’s response to this paragraph: LOL…O.)
4. Facebook. Because it recently sent me this cheery email:
So instead of the black boxes above, those were full-color pictures…of my “possible relatives.”
Each was a cousin, until that final row. There, I found my brother…next to awesome Marilyn. In a picture from awesome Facebook. Arms wrapped around my awesome Ex.
Seriously? Marilyn is a “possible relative”???
Awesome. You can’t make this shit up.
Um, no disrespect Mark Zuckerberg: But back to the drawing board for you and your stupid “We’re related” app, methinks. When you start pairing ex wives with new wives, the algorithm may be a bit wonky. Just sayin’.
5. Puffer vests.
What the hell is up with the puffer vests this season? I keep seeing ads for them, proclaiming, “Get the latest fashion trend, puffer vests, at Old Crazy…”
OK…quick poll: Who wants to look like an overstuffed marshmallow – or a fish that blows up in fear? Or even a penguin (yeah, I know that’s a puffin, but it’s close…)
Because I want to look like none of these, though this year’s batch of brilliant buyers seem to be suggesting that I’d look far more fashionable if I don something that adds 40 pounds and makes me look like a giant jar of Stay-Puff.
Or like someone covered me in a canister of caulk.
Pass — thank you very kindly.
6. “Cool Touch” Kleenex. And this baby doll.
The baby doll? Just because.
But the Cool Touch Kleenex? If you haven’t tried these for yourself, please…indulge. When you press your nose to them, they instantly go cold.
Like, arctic-wind cold.
Leaving me to wonder: What the hell makes them cold? WHAT THE HELL MAKES THEM COLD?????
7. Marathon runners.
Just stop, people: Stop running!
I don’t know exactly why I seem to be surrounded of late by hordes of well-intentioned friends doing their 26.2 miles for the greater good, but I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to see your pictures of your exhausted/elated/relieved/oh-my-god-I-can’t-believe-I-really-did-it selves.
I don’t want to read about it (AGAIN) on Freshly Pressed.
Because you’re just showing off, and that just makes the rest of us feel inadequate.
And I may be jealous. But whatever.
You knew it was coming, right?
I mean, how can a girl who has endless disdain for tapioca pudding and tomato jizz possibly like grits?
They’re unnatural, these little bits of grainy granules. They’re nubby. And gritty. And sandy. And they taste like – well, wheat-infused nothingness.
So here’s the picture of my grits, before:
And here’s after:
I reflected in my last blog about the South. And how there, the Civil War seems to rage on.
Well now, personally, I can understand the Mason-Dixon line mentality. Because those eggs above? They were my edible Mason-Dixon line. What happened to the north of them? I just don’t understand. To the south? Yip, totally righteous.
And you can even tell I tried ’em. They’re all mashy…and there’s even a wad of eggs that was spastically flicked into the northeast of the grits (between Pennsylvania and New York), probably post-first-bite.
Never again, friends. Never again.
9. Fire. And wind. This one’s serious, friends…
You may have heard last week about my city being all on fire and all.
I’ll admit to being relatively
hysterical dramatic on a routine basis, but the photo above tells the story: 32 homes completely destroyed, dozens more uninhabitable, 10,000 locals evacuated, one dead, many injured.
Heroes that day saved thousands of homes and lives. Winds were gusting to 80+ miles per hour, making it literally the perfect storm.
And while I was safe watching the news from my home in the northwest quadrant of town all day, many of my friends in the southwest were fleeing.
Yeah. Last Friday sucked ass.
10. Did I mention I’m sick? And driving to Las Vegas today?
Or at least partially (driving, not sick. I’m partially driving, but totally sick. Get it? Good.).
So today we drive halfway to Vegas to the megalopolis of Tonopah, NV, home of the recently renovated and reopened Mizpah Hotel. Which is, like, way haunted.
Me? I’m about as skeptical as they come…but Boyfriend Brett is a huge believer. So I got us a room on the fifth floor — the haunted floor. Where the Lady in Red, a prostitute murdered in the 1800s, is said to roam the halls…
Wish me luck. I’m afraid my phlegm may just scare her away.
(And I’m totally winning Mom of the Year for this trip, right? Vegas. Dead hookers. Ghosts. Ah well, what my kids don’t know won’t hurt ’em — or so I hope…)
Anyhow, there you have it: My Thanks(not)giving list. In all seriousness, I hope you receive this post in the spirit (get it? spirit?) in which it is offered: as an ungrateful rant from a heavily medicated Hacky Sack o’ Mucus.
So do you want to vent — just for a moment, a quick departure from the gratitude seeping from all of our pores on this turkey-tastic holiday?
Go ahead. Do it. I dare you:
- What are you (un)grateful for this month?
- Do you have any sayings to contribute to my snarky cups of awesomeness?
- Can you believe Facebook thought Marilyn and I were related?
- Do you believe in ghosts? Puffer vests? Creepy Egg Men?
And Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Seriously. I may be medicated and moody, but I know I have much for which to be grateful. And you are all on my list. 🙂
Looking forward to your Christmas holiday posts! LOL And an update on the dead hooker haunting.
Grateful for your sense of humor and skill to share it with us!
Oh yes, I have some fun in store…including an update on the dead hooker, of course. My children will need therapy for years after that trip…
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Go ahead. Do it. I dare you:
What are you (un)grateful for this month?
I’ve got a cold, the weather’s getting cold and my finances aren’t ready for even one holiday.
Do you have any sayings to contribute to my snarky cups of awesomeness?
No. I’m just being polite commenting.
Can you believe Facebook thought Marilyn and I were related?
No. I believe Facebook is getting evil.
Do you believe in ghosts? Puffer vests? Creepy Egg Men?
In the same order: yes, no, no. I choose not to.
Well, thank you for being polite and commenting — always appreciated!
And I completely agree: Facebook is evil…
Good to know you don’t believe in puffer vests or creepy egg men as well.
Ahhh…Facebook. The entity that thinks my ex-wife may be someone I want to be friends with. This ideal is reinforced by the profile picture of her and the guy she cheated on me with on their wedding day. Gotta puke in my mouth a little.
Oh…and snarky cup phrases…If you can read this then BACK THE F**K OFF
Perfect. Concise and appropriate…
EXACTLY! Something tells me those “powers that be” need to recalculate the algorithm that connects us…
Sorry about the picture — and I can definitely relate. I had the exact same mouth puking going on…
I like your snarky cups idea. I would like to branch off that a little and create a line of mugs and t-shirts that express lukewarm sentiments. Just, you know, to kind of celebrate apathy and mediocrity. Like instead of “I Love New York,” the shirt can say, “Yeah, New York…It Wasn’t Great but I’m Glad I Went.” Or instead of a “World’s Best Dad” mug, we can have one that says “You’re Okay I Guess.” “Live, Laugh, Love”? How about “I Think I’m Just Gonna Stay in and Flip Channels”? I, personally, relate to that.
Another fun read! Happy Thanksgiving! : )
LOVE your “lukewarm” sentiment idea. Simply awesome…
Thanks for reading and commenting — I hope you had a BRILLIANT Thanksgiving holiday! 🙂
I am ungrateful for so many things, there isn’t enough time or space to write them all down. Mostly, I am ungrateful that my brain is slowly exploding from the never ending migraine from hell that makes me unable to focus, work, see straight, read, enjoy life and mostly is making me inches away from going postal on anyone around me within a 30 foot radius. Oh, and no, I am not going to answer the phone because putting it to my ear and hearing your voice is causing me pain…LITERAL pain…so quit fucking calling me. #thatisall
Aw, Lee — you’re welcome to rant in my blog comments any time you like. I’m just glad I’m not within a 30-foot radius of you. Sounds precarious…
I hope your brain stops exploding. That would help, I think…
1. This morning I am ungrateful for the dead black bird left directly in front of my front door. The question is, who left it there? We don’t have a cat and I am so NOT thankful for your death conveniently suffered next to my welcome mat, dead black bird!! You are NOT welcome! (I hope dead black birds aren’t my Mikalee version of dead squirrrels. One ominous dead creature is enough, thank you. Haha…)
2. Snarky sayings? I wish. I feel like I need to be snarkier…
3. I’m more and more convinced that Facebook is this evil corporation designed by the Marilyns in the world (Zuckerburg is just a cover-up) to try study and mimic the awesome women to whom they will never measure up. The butthead who thankfully is no longer in my life, decided to swing by my STINKING PARENTS HOUSE, sans Marilyn-esque wife, for the Holidays thinking I would be there. That day? She decides to friend me on facebook! Because you know, we’ve always been so chummy.
The one time I tried to talk to her to get to know her before they were married, the only thing she could think to talk about was about their new marriage bed that his mom was buying for them! Oh yeah, she’s doesn’t feel threatened by me…
4. I believe in ghosts. I believe in A Single Red Puffer Vest, but only as worn by Marty McFly in the 80’s. and I feel like there are creepy egg men EVERYWHERE in various forms. And Marylyns use them to decorate…
I am grateful for realists like you, Mikalee! 🙂
Leah: That dead black bird is TOTALLY your squirrel! Or at least I’m going to say it is, just so that someone in this world can relate to my plight! 😉 I hope it was a one-time incident — though, based on the bizarre actions of your ex (really? going to your parents’ house?) and his clearly threatened Marilyn-esque wife, I’d look in their general direction if you’re trying to ID a culprit…
GREAT comment — thank you!
Love your blog! Your in-your-face commentary is so refreshing and funny!
I started following you after I read your take on “The Secret”…it was so great to find someone else who calls bullshit on that crap.
And thanks for the invitation to vent, here goes:
Ungrateful for; stupid catch phrases like “I’m so, like…” and “git er done”. This month’s winner… “I know, right?” Please stop.
For your snarky cup saying I will share what Norma, a cashier at our local grocery store said when someone mentioned she may have hurt the feelings of a lazy bag person; “Feelings? I don’t give a shit about feelings…this is a job!” Love Norma!
Facebook? They just want everyone to just get along. Can’t you see that?
Ghosts-no, puffer vests-ridiculous, egg men-now I’ll never see that movie.
Have a great trip!
Well, thank you kindly for the awesome comment. It’s always nice to meet a fellow “Secret” hater…
I think I’m WAY guilt of the “I know, right?” stupid catch phrase. But does it help that I only use it to try to emphasize something stupid? I’m also a big fan of using “Just sayin'” in a snarky tone…though in real life, it kinda bugs the shit out of me to hear it.
Norma rocks, by the way.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
I’m not grateful for my landlord who hasn’t turned on the damn heat yet and it’s freaking ONE DEGREE CENTIGRADE outdoors! He is such a pinchpenny! I am grateful that I have an awesome comforter and ski-underclothes that double as jammies, though.
WOW! I hope that is resolved by now … an awesome comforter and ski-underclothes can only go so far…
I can’t get past that grits picture. Like, what was the other stuff? Egg, you say? I’m suspect of that entire plate…
I didn’t care what the other stuff was: I was hungry, and I wasn’t about to touch those slimy nubby things.
At least they looked kinda like eggs — as in, they were sorta the right color…if not a bit glowing and bright…
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said, “I’m not about to touch those slimy nubby things…” 😀
I am thankful that I finally seem to be coming out of my writing funk, which has had a vise-like grip on me for several months now. I started the long road back by just placing words together and trying to form phrases, then sentences, and I’m now up to paragraphs! For your cup, I definitely think it should be somewhat rhymey or sing-songy: “The universe knows that Lady GaGa blows” or “the universe knows…where Bambi goes, nothing grows”. I have to scroll up to see what’s next (geez, this is hard). Oh, the Facebook thing…I’m sure if you went down the list far enough you would find that you’re related to Hitler, too…nuff said. Finally, nope…don’t believe in ghosts. I’ve always contended that I’d have to see for myself, and if I ever did, the journalist in me would just start asking questions like (in the case of the hooker in red) “are you still for hire, and if so, could I pay you in modern currency? I don’t have any gold pieces on me”.
Hope you start feeling better my friend…here’s a fun road trip game. When you’re the passenger, try to make eye contact with someone in the vehicle next to you as they’re starting to go down an off-ramp, and when you’re sure you have their attention, mouth the words “HELP ME” just as they’re entering the ramp and you’re going straight.
Well, you may have been in a writing funk — but you’ve definitely still “got it.” Your cup messages, analysis of Facebook and road trip game all had me laughing out loud!
And I’m totally with you on the journalistic tendencies/ghost analysis. Except I wouldn’t be asking that question, exactly…
Looking forward to reading more of your paragraphs soon!
I wish you would write more. I’m so sorry about your cold. Have you tried Advil for cold and sinus. That seems to work for me. Gee, traveling to Las Vegas seems like loads of fun. Don’t lose to much money. Haha. I know that beneath your snarky comments beats a heart of pure gold. I am so grateful for your blog. What an inspiration you are. Haha. I’m sure your children are so glad to have you for their mother. I’m betting mother of the year nominations are coming your way. I’m sorry to hear about the dead whore. However, whoring can be a risky profession. Did you see the finale of Dancing with the Stars? Boy, was that ever special. Well, I have to prepare for the 26 relatives that will be arriving tomorrow. My preparation includes a very close relationship with two of my best buddies, Sam Adams and Jack Daniels. At my current pace, I will have a case of Sam Adams and two bottles of Jack Daniels in me by the time my relatives arrive. Already, I am fucking plastered. Did I tell you how much I like your blog?
Drunk stream of consciousness rocks.
I’m grateful (I know you said UNgrateful, but I’m just a rebel like that. You can’t stop me, don’t even try!) for people who come up with and aren’t afraid to use phrases like “Tomato Jizz”. I ♥ this blog!
Well, I ♥ you for ♥ing this blog!
Tomato jizz sucks. ‘Nuff said.
Well, if it’s any consolation, Marilyn probably sees your gorgeous self pop up under “Friend Suggestions” as well! Personally, I get irritated when I get friend suggestions from FB for dead folks. The jury is still out on my own belief in ghosts, but apparently FB believes in them;)
Haha! I did get a FB pop-up the other day that said, “Suggest friends for So-and-So.”
Except I know that So-and-so happens to be dead.
Not funny, Facebook…
I am ungrateful for this time of year because all of the students leave the university and disperse across the country for Thanksgiving, and then reconvene at the Ask-A-Librarian desk or in my office frantic for help with the research that they didn’t do while they were on holiday collecting germs. For some reason, the library director is unwilling to let me greet students wearing a mask and gloves, so I will soon have phlegm of my own to overcome.
While I have not yet experienced the Facebook family app, last month LinkedIn suggested that I might like to add my husband’s ex-mistress as a professional connection ….so what algorithm caused that?
Oh, Robin — the absurdity of not allowing you to wear a mask and gloves! I wish you luck — take lots of Vitamin C. And maybe an Airborne. With an Emergen-C chaser, for good measure.
So even LinkedIn is in on the evil plot, huh? Yeah, that’s a link you might want to ignore…
I’m with you on the ungratefulness about the damned grateful lists. They make me want to poke people with sharp things!
Ghosts – maybe, Puffer vests – not in my world. Egg men with follow-me eyes – stay back. I keep a hammer by my bed.
I want a mug that says ‘Piss me off and pay the consequences’. It would warn the world on the days I’m just not in the freakin’ mood.
Thanks for being you. You make it easier for me to get through the sugary world of normal people.
You rock. Thank you for relating to my rant … I fucking hate the sugary world of normal people!
Bravo to you Mikalee, for following through on that un-gratitude list! Love it! 🙂
My list of things I’m not grateful for is fairly long this year, despite my recent gratitude binge. 🙂
Top of the list definitely is having my mom in hospice any time, let alone over the holidays.
Having husband leave town to climb some stupid ass mountain in Chile (in the middle of aforementioned crisis), even though I would normal appreciate the “break.”
Scooping innards of pumpkins for pies.
Dishes after cooking all day for Thanksgiving and people eating all that prepared food, too damned fast.
Canadians at Costco.
Well… again this could take a while!
Thanks for putting a smile on my face, each and every time I read your posts.
Bwahahaha!! Canadians at Costco!! Here, here!!
I’m just so GLAD you found some value to my post — your recent gratitude binge made me feel all kinds of guilty for being on an ungratitude rant! But those are my own issues, and definitely not yours…
Love your list. Sorry about the stupid ass mountain climbing. That WAY sucks…
Hope he’s back and giving you a much needed “break”!
I did a blog post around month 9 of my own bitter blindsided ex wife, I titled it something like Lean Cuisine, Taxi Mom, Online Dating. Wouldn’t it be fabulous it we could all recovery in Tuscany, India and Bali? Love your take on it.
Indeed. Maybe that’s why I fucking hated that book so much — couldn’t get past the early chapters. I had major resentment (jealousy?) issues…
I am grateful for my ex. Because now I understand why someone would get a tattoo of a heart with a dagger through it.
My life is now complete.
Well there you go. Way to look at the “bright” side! 😉
oh, and I meant to tell you: Facebook does NOT try to figure out who is in your family. What happens is a person asks to claim you as a family member. For examples: Father, Mother, Sister, Brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Grandma, etc. So, my guess is that Marilyn wanted you to consider her as family in some way. AWWWWWW. (gag)
Haha. Probably because she just changed her profile pic to one with my ex, and she thought it would make me miss him oh-so-much.
Um. Yeah…not so much.
I hear’ya with the joggers. Come on people, we used to run to get away from predators not from IHOP! There has to be a better way. Besides, inspiration and motivation have to be present somewhere else besides perspiration and motion, right?
About those kleenex (I’m guessing): I think the don’t become cold, they just contain chemicals (yes, and that is not a bad thing) which constraint your blood vessels, shortening somewhat the blood flow to those areas that got in touch with them; this in turn would reduce the temperature in those same areas. This is the same principle behind how mint makes your breath seem cool and refreshed.
Now you have to enlighten me and tell me what the hell are grits! I’ve been many times to the US and I’ve never had them, though I’ve heard of them for sure. They don’t seem appealing and I’m a person who eats about everything! as long as there is no ketchup involved, yuck!
As usual your writing is funny and spot on. About that FB algorithm, seriously? You REALLY can’t make this shit up! while you are updating your family relations on FB maybe your finger could slip and report her as indecent/virus/offensive/spam Ooops! This things happen, right?
(Mikalee, don’t click that, k?)
You don’t need to tell me twice not to…
Wow — you totally sound all kinds of scientifically smart with your analysis of the Kleenex. Consider me way impressed.
But I’m still creeped out by them…
Grits are some disgusting crazy ground-up corn-type mealy mashy stuff. I think that’s the definition in Merriam Webster, so I might be plagiarizing.
Good idea about the Facebook “slip.” Love it!
Tissues with a cool touch? I’m thinking, menthol? You could emerge from a sneeze smelling like a cough drop?
Alas, no. From their website: “Kleenex Cool TouchTM Tissue[s] are made with a proprietary [that means nah-nah-nah-nah, they won’t tell you what they are, nor in what proportion – sort of like Colonel Sanders’s alleged 17 herbs and spices, which – if I’m recalling correctly from years back – have been demonstrated to be just 2: that exotic duo of salt and black pepper] blend of ingredients, including cooling moisturizers and aloe. When [a] Kleenex Cool TouchTM Tissue comes in contact with your skin, body heat activates the formula to release cooling comfort to soothe a sore nose.”
Amusing note: I recently saw “nah-nah-nah-nah” spelled “ner-ner-ner-ner” in the comment section of a major UK newspaper. Lest you snicker yourself into a pre-turkey coma, I just discovered the name for the rationale: because most UK English-speakers are non-rhotic. That means unlike most Americans, they don’t pronounce most final R’s. That’s why you see “er” where Americans would write “uh”. Same sound, different orthography. Let’s not go *there*.
“The Kid”, as Mark Zuckerberg is known to his elders at, for example, Microsoft, has a lot to answer for.
But realize that if Facebook sent you Marilyn as a possible relative . . . she got YOU. I’m willing to bet she’s the one who’s more upset. Another thing to feel ungrateful for. If you must!
OK, I have the best readers in the whole wide world.
You actually went to the Kleenex website, and shared the knowledge offered there — here?!?!
You rock. But I’m still not using those iceberg-inspired Kleenex…so ner-ner-ner-ner-ner (said in a British accent, of course…).
Good point about Facebook. I’m sure she absolutely LOVED that.
Thank you for the comment, Patrice!
Creepy egg man’s eyes do indeed track. That’s really strange. Burn that thing.
I’m ungrateful for oreos that don’t twist open cleanly. I hate that.
When my contact lens is inside out – I’m really resentful when that happens; sometimes I don’t realize it until late in the day, once the migraine is already well established.
People (in my house specifically) that open cupboards and drawers and DON’T close them when they’re done. Fuck that.
Worse than the marathon runners are marathon runners pushing kids in strollers. I swear, they exist. And they need some serious therapy.
I happen to like grits. Well…polenta, but aren’t they the same thing? If you add a lot of butter, salt and parmesan, they’re really, really yummy. But butter, salt and parmesan pretty much make anything yummy. Now I’m starting to sound grateful.
I’ll end there.
Haha! I can’t burn him, though, as he is my inspiration. Creepy Egg Man sits on my desk IMPLORING me to write. Because if I don’t write, I look at him…which scares the crap out of me and returns me to the task at hand. So really, he holds me accountable, with those tracking eyes and evil grimace. AND WHY IS HIS MOUTH OPEN LIKE THAT?!?!
But I digress. Because I looked at him. See how that works?
So I’m simply ungrateful for Oreos, because they’re so damn good — and so damn bad. And I have zero self-control.
We should start a charity: Save the runners with strollers. Seriously. We’ll all contribute to the therapy fund, making the world a better place. 😉
We still haven’t broken the news that we aren’t going to Joel’s brother’s house for Thanksgiving. I would love to see the plastic surgeon getting plastered and pick his brain about a sister-in-law discount for ridiculous jiffy boobs but…we never celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. It’s too stressful for everyone, especially Joel, because his birthday is the 30th of November, my birthday is December 14th. We have been getting shafted on the “double celebration” thing forever so we just don’t celebrate anything, except Hanukah. Yep, I have found that by bringing out a Menorah each year, we have no explaining to do to anyone about anything, especially in Texas. My best friend is Jewish and gives her blessing so I am cool to do this. I would encourage anyone else that wants to celebrate Judaism and stay away from schmaltzy overdose to do the same. Everybody is praying but they don’t need to prey on us. This time of year is stressful enough.
I really feel for you regarding the Facebook/Marilyn thing..what a bitch slap..I also have those fucking annoying “suggestions”. Right, Facebook, I should be friends with that dude that banged my best friend while I was out of town that one time, why didn’t I think of that? Thank you for caring, fuck you for sharing! Facebook tells me I should be friends with my deceased brother, thanks, FB, we are friends, I set up his page. Mark is really slipping.
Oh and yes, I do believe in ghosts, I think my brother visits to make fun of my overly tanned skin and to make my dog bark and my hairless cats act up. OJ the cat is a real freak. I am glad you guys are all ok after the fire. My aunt and uncle are still in southwest Reno and I thought of you all when I heard about it. We had a lot of fires in San DIego and I remember one time when we had to evacuate and it was down to the wire, the only thing I grabbed were my dad’s and my brother’s ashes..say what? I hope you feel better and that you and all of your awesome readers are able to make it through Thanksgiving. I am grateful for Joel and books and cats and shoes and people who are funny and other people’s families.
Excellent: a fellow fake Jew! One year when I wouldn’t have my kids for Christmas, we decided to celebrate Hannukah. Or Chanukah. Or whatever. We got a menorah, and lit the candles, and learned about the Jewish culture — it was so much fun! Until my son burned the shit out of his finger while lighting a candle. He’s had resentment issues toward the holiday ever since.
Well, I hope you and Joel enjoy your birthdays and Hauunkah. Or Chanukah. Or whatever.
And by the way, I love that you grabbed ashes — while fleeing a fire. Irony much?
You know you’re bitchy when the little heart symbol over the i doesn’t win you over. ♥
1. I’m with you on NaNoWriMo… and seriously, I’m never in my life going to write something just because it’s November. If I’m gonna write something it’s cuz I had a good idea, which November is a good idea, but it wasn’t mine.
2. I saw a cup once that had little black crows all over over it. One little crow had a green sombrero on his head and it said, “Juan in a million.” Not the snarkiest…very snarky… snarky at all… but I really liked it.
3. Can you believe Facebook has NEVER (<– dead fuckin' serious!) suggested a relative for me? Ha, now you want my secret don't you?
4. Creepy ghosts are why November is a good idea (well, and my birthday). November keeps the creepy ghosts from getting too cuddly to the creepy fat men in the red suits… an image that is just scrumptia-lee-dumptious!
Happy Rantgiving, Mikalee!
Who … me? Bitchy? I’m so offended.
Not really. Cuz I really hate those fucking stupid hearts over the “i”s.
But “Juan in a million” makes me laugh…so I’m not too much of a bitch, right? (And I’m totally stealing “Rantgiving.”)
So yes: Tell me your Facebook secret. Now.
I hope you had a happy birthday, Anne!
[gulps] I put a flower over the “i” in my signature.
I was thinking after I hit Post Comment that I should have said Rantsgiving better, but either way it totally belongs to you!
Facebook: I’ve never listed anyone else as family and I block every app I ever see.
Actually, my b-day is an odd story. It’s 11/11, which has always been kind of a downer cuz it’s Veteran’s Day. This year it was 11/11/11 and on a Friday too! Huge party excuse, right? I ended up posting a story from a WWI dream I had once and then reading a bunch of depressing stuff on other blogs. So yeah, but I went out for a very nice dinner, and thank you very much!
You do NOT put a flower over your “i” — do you? Really? That. Is. AWESOME!
I can’t believe your 11/11/11 went down like that. I’d say “do over,” but since it’s once a century and all that…
Wow, a five fuck rant, really cool.
I’m grateful that I don’t know what tomato jizz is. Must be horrible stuff, yuck.
You have no idea…tomato jizz sucks.
(And I’ve just noticed that in the comments I’ve left today, I’ve included a few more “fucks”…just for good measure!)
I live in Reno too. That wind, the day of the fire was awful. Those grits looks awful and could they have given you more on that plate? Euwwwww. I hate flying because I always sit by someone sick and then I get sick. The drive to Vegas is long and endless and boring. Have a great time at the haunted hotel. Take a picture if you see a ghost.
I had no idea you live in Reno, Connie — would be WAY cool to run into you one day at Raley’s or the post office!
The drive to Vegas was fun, but only because my family was with me. Otherwise, it’s a whole lotta sagebrush…
I Love your eyes in the first photo, they are beautiful!
Now to my rant.
I think the freaking universe has such a big freaking head cold that it should just go blow! Yes I am thankful I/we made it through another year. But not for how we made it. How ’bout a real job or lots more real work?! HUH Are you listening?! Oh! that’s right you are blowing now and don’t give a dead squirrels or blackbirds rear end! You call this life?! What life?!!!
I woke up this morning (not sure yet if I am thankful for that!). I tried to start it off good. That didn’t work out well at all. Now I am depressed, hurting and angry (just to name a few). Now I will be expected to help get everything ready for guests and the meal. But I am on the blog system and will hear about that soon. (It kinda started already) Gotta put on my smiley face and act like everything is hunkie dorie. While inside yelling SCREW IT!!
So un-Happy ThanksNOTgiving!
That first line…seriously! If I could stay in my room and look into them all day I would! Could be the best thing all day and I won’t get to do it…sigh.
Happy face time, grumble
I had to go and TRY to clean the cooked on gook from the bottom of the oven so the house doesn’t smell like something burning all day! I got it pretty good, I hope.
Came back for your eyes!
Oh, Harold — I feel for you, my blog friend. I think 2011 was a big joke from The Universe. The joke, sadly, was on us.
But that just means 2012 will rock. That is, until that day in December that we all die. But whatever.
I hope your Thanksgiving was at least bearable. And that your smiley face and hunkie-dorie demeanor was appreciated!
Thank you Mikalee! I survived. We had 3 guests over who are refugees from Burma/Myanmar. It was their first Thanksgiving in America with the whole traditions and all. So I sucked it up/in for them and all went well. With no burning smell from the oven!
really nice post! thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank YOU for stopping by!
Nice post 🙂
Why thank you!
LOL! This post seriously had me cracking up. I too hate grits and that damn NaNoWriMo…. SOOOO sick of hearing about that month. Really, will November ever end? (watch, I’ll do it next year. haha)
And runners? Really? Whenever I hear a story about a female runner getting kidnapped, I feel really bad for her, but I’m affirmed in my hate for running. I’m pretty safe in my house, NOT RUNNING, thank you. And unless I have a sticker that says “tell me all about your marathon, or half marathon, or 10k or triathalon” on, it’s likely that I really don’t give a damn. And I mean that for the 6 months you are training, and the day after the marathon. DON’T CARE. K? Thanks.
Whew! I sound about as bitter as you! (said in the nicest way possible). I also love that both of us took toward a negative take on Thanksgiving. My family didn’t like mine! They were all ‘you bummed me out!’ I shoulda made a damn list of everything I was grateful for. #FAIL
Catherine, I will go all NaNoWriMo on your ass if you decide to NaNoWriMo next year — mark my words! 😉
And personally, I think our negative take on Thanksgiving is a #WIN. Because it just makes everyone else look good. So really, we’re being selfless and giving, right?
I do hope you had a decent Thanksgiving. And avoided marathon talk altogether…
That may well be the worst-looking plate of breakfast I’ve ever seen. I had grits once; ate two bites. Compared to grits, oatmeal (or baby food) is exciting. And good tasting. And has a great texture.
Sadly, it should really be, for a lot of “writers”, “NO, NO, YOU NO WRI NO MO’!” We should be encouraging some (quite a few, actually) to not write at all, good writers to write fewer words, strung together in a higher quality, not just random folks spewing out more crap. If I were capable of using graphics or even drawing cartoons, the accompanying picture/cartoon/graphic for “NONOYOUNOWRINOMO” would be a cop taking a keyboard or a pen from someone’s hand (like the old-time vaudeville hook, I suppose).
Feel free to use my saying “You don’t interest me all that much” on your next coffee mug. You could bring it into Starbucks with you, sit at a table, pour your overpriced brew into it, then, if someone tries to “hit on you”, just smile sweetly and point to the cup.
I think everyone knows that we actually are thankful for the things we are thankful for, so that frees some of us to write about the things we are un-thankful more (which is a damn sight more fun).
clicks –> [Like]
Many thanks! 🙂
Oh wow, do I agree with you on all of the above. I think NaNoWriMo just encourages mediocrity…quantity over quality. And that’s good for absolutely NO ONE!
Love your mug idea. Thanks for permission to use it — I think I might just take you up on that!
Unthankful “FOR”, not unthankful “MORE”, is what I meant to say–SHEESH, time for bed, I guess.
No worries at all. I thought it was appropriate — because I’m MORE ungrateful than grateful, at least in this post!
Had grits on Thanksgiving. Yummy!
I’m so sorry.
I only respond to reverse psychology. Therefore, had you told me NOT to post — the passive aggressive inside of me would have posted. #FAIL, Harper Faulkner.
Reverse Psychology my butt! Okay, don’t post then. I don’t care. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. And, I certainly won’t play your reverse psychology game! So there!
Ha. You succumbed to my reverse-reverse psychological game. I love using you as a pawn in my masterful blogging game…
(Just teasing, of course. I’m by no means some creepy mastermind with a maniacal evil laugh. I’m just an overwhelmed full-time freelance writer with a TON of work on my plate — and a TON of love for all of you! So I feel so torn…)
This does not qualify as a post. What about the dead hooker? What about the Christmas stories you promised to tell? What about a list of questions people have asked you? I’m STILL waiting!
Why haven’t you told us that Harper Faulkner is your employer? I thought you were freelancing?
Haha. And he does NOT pay well. (only in compliments…sheesh…)
…and you’ll get it, too. You do know my “12 Posts of Christmas” is my personal present from me to you, right? 😉
Another superbly awesome post by my blogging friend.
And since you dared me…
1 What are you (un)grateful for this month?
The fact that my daughter found humor in tricking me into eating that deviled egg that I later found out was prepared by my ex, the spawn of satin. It’s been over 48 hours now so I can safely assume the bitch didn’t poison me.
2 Do you have any sayings to contribute to my snarky cups of awesomeness?
They were indeed snarkily fucking awsome.
3 Can you believe Facebook thought Marilyn and I were related?
Facebook just plain sucks.
4 Do you believe in ghosts? Puffer vests? Creepy Egg Men?
Puffer Vests-Hell No
Creepy Egg Men-Fuck no
Thank you — you’ve been missed around these parts!
And I love love LOVE that your spawn of satan made deviled eggs. That’s very “meta.”
How’s your book coming along? Mine is in limbo until I can get out of writers f’ing slump. 50 or so pages left.
My goal: completion in 2012. Whatever “completion” means…
I’m also really thinking of going the e-book route. Perhaps with a limited POD distribution. How about you?
And congrats on being 50 pages away from done. I can’t even imagine!
I’m seriously looking at Amazon for my publishing. I’m going the e-book route and POD. Amazon has some great offers and the ability to do all the publishing needs. This being my first book I’ve decided to self publish, unless of course I get lucky with an agent.
When I’m finished I’ll send you a copy.
I think self-publishing is simply SMARTER for new authors. You’re in charge of your own marketing (which isn’t that different from traditional publishers these days, considering they don’t offer nearly the level of support they used to), and your royalties are far greater. And then, when you become a big deal, the publishers will come to you — and you can write your own ticket. You’re now a known commodity instead of an unknown punk with whom they feel they can dick around.
Not that I’m jaded.
Good luck. Would love a copy, of course…
You are so pretty! You have gorgeous eyes, you should be in a Maybelline or Cover Girl add. That stupid John must be kicking himself daily for letting you get away.
lol @ friending Marilyn *shudders*. Can’t imagine how annoying and self righteous her FB page must be, if it’s anything like her terrible blog!
You are too kind — definitely not Maybelline or Cover Girl worthy. Maybe for that crappy 99-cent brand, though? 😉
And yes, I’ve heard reports (by friends who think I care) that her page is full of blithering self-righteous and just plain annoying posts. Lucky not to have to endure the pain of reading that…
Thanks for the great comment, Dana — always appreciated!
A little piece of my soul has exploded in a mess of salty sadness over your lack of love for the cuisine of my native South Carolina, most especially one of my favorite dishes, grits.
I think the problem was that you perceived them as some sort of Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal substitute (you used “wheat” in your description above), but NO NO NO NO NO . . . grits are CORN!!! If you approach them like, say popcorn or corn on the cob, and just keep pouring on the butter and the salt, they just keep getting ever more awesome and delicious.
But if you come at them like they’re Farina and pour syrup or sugar or anything fruity or sweet over them, well, that’s just WRONG . . . while I don’t normally like to send folks over to the evil empire where my old blog used to live, here’s a link to some Grits 101 Guidance for you, just in case you and your trusty sidekick, Hive Boy, ever need to return to God’s Country:
Do we need to have a talk about okra, too?
Sorry for the exploding soul and all, my friend. But yeah, your native South Carolina — and the annoyingly corny mealy mush they call grits — suck ass.
I’m very grateful for the link, and while enlightening, I don’t think I’ll be trying them again. Sorry. I’m just not cool like that.
HOWEVER, in a half-assed attempt to redeem myself in your eyes and repair a tiny piece of that exploding soul: I love okra. And collard greens.
Great blog this month! thanks for the smiles.. Hope the Mizpah ghosts treated you well. I worked there when I was young. A crazy hotel to say the least. I’m not sure I would stay there actually and I grew up in a haunted house.
Lizard, I had NO IDEA you actually worked at the Mizpah…how cool! We need to catch up and share stories. Brett and I are going to return (sans children) soon — we had a blast.
I also took some photos of your old (haunted) house that I meant to send to you on Thanksgiving. We could see it from our room!
Thanks for the comment … you are missed! 🙁
I’m catching up on Thanksgiving posts, and I read yours. Finally! A post that’s not all about thankfulness. I was starting to feel bad that I didn’t do one.
What if I just post about a 5k? That’s only 3 miles. Is that acceptable? I promise to never do it again. Would the fact that I would do the same thing with the eggs make up for it?
I’m not sick, but I’m totally buying those tissues. I hope you’re feeling better!
Haha — always good to hear from a kindred ungrateful spirit. But yeah, if you post about a 5k, you’ll totally suck. Just 1/10 of the amount that those stupid marathon-runners do…
Just kidding, of course. Remember, this all comes from a place of jealousy!
My own blog is full of things that I’m ungrateful for. Isn’t that what most of us use them for? Click my name and see three years of bellyaching. I’m sure that’s what we all came here for.
When did it become a “puffer vest”? I’ve had a down vest for ten years or so, and it’s a very useful garment when it’s too cold to care what you look like. I live in a place that might have two months of below-50 weather a year, so I don’t get tired of it. Yes, sometimes avoiding pneumonia is more important than vanity. Values.
Grits are mainly just BLAND unless you try really hard to spice them up. It’s not worth trying hard.
Love it — and you’re absolutely right. If blogs aren’t for bitching, then what are they good for, anyhow?
I have no idea what you mean by the idea that avoiding pneumonia trumps vanity. NOTHING trumps vanity. Well, except maybe a good message. Or a morning Diet Coke. Or a Drumstick (the kind you eat, not the kind you use to play an instrument).
And yeah, I’m totally done with the grits. Thanks for the affirmation!
Odd that we could let observations go by without this. Any whipper-snappers out there unfamiliar with Tom Lehrer need to cure that right away.
Observations about grits and visiting the South, that is. I hit that “post” button too fast.
Haha — good point, and a great share! Funny and “sophisticated,” as New Yorkers would call it. 🙂
Apropos of nothing, why DON’T you have a cafe press shop? You could sell a ton o’ mugs with pithy Mikalisms on them.
Recently I’ve been asking the Universe for a lottery win. Last week I heard a mighty voice say “Look, meet me halfway – buy a damn ticket…..”
And I often think the same thing when I’m lamenting the fact that I have not yet won the lottery. I guess playing the lottery is a kinda important first step…
Ha. Now I have my own cafepress shop, but you’ll have to trek all the way over to my blog to find it because I can’t remember the URL. Which is a funny word in its own right, URL, URL, URL…Heh heh heh!
Oh, ok, as it’s you: http://www.cafepress.com/dtraslersshop
If you want to produce some Mikalismugs, we could split the proceeds and probably retire from work in as little as twenty or thirty years…..
Agreed: URL, if you say it fast enough, always sounds like “urinal” to me. Which makes me giggle, too…
I’ll definitely have to look into cafepress. I’ve heard mixed reviews about it — mostly that people who contribute their ideas there can’t retire for 20 or 30 years. 😉 So maybe I should just take up a collection on the blog ($5 a piece?), and we’ll all be part owners in a brand new line of mugs. I’ll go down the street to the Playful Potter and work on them for 8 hours a day. Hell, I can do that now: I’m a full-time freelance writer…
So glad I found your snarky, bitchy, ungrateful ass as we are very similar in the attitude category. I’ve been irritated lately with the concept of being grateful or thankful or appreciative or any of those worn out ideas. Perhaps I’m just getting older and am jaded by the concept.
My list of ungratefulness is long but here are a few entries to help me with my need to vent:
1. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, any special shopping day the retailers have created as our society is apparently too stupid to participate and not MAIM one another.
2. Lima beans, okra, grits and black licorice. They can all leave the planet.
3. People calling me at home, at night, after work. I answer the fucking phone all damn day at work, the last thing I want to do is TALK to somebody. All the people that are relatively close to me should know this, so they should STOP RINGING THE FUCKING PHONE AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.
4. Okay, getting really bitchy here…sorry, I’ll calm down. I’m ungrateful for cupboards being left open (just like Ruth said above) and empty toilet paper rolls not being replaced but left for me to replace instead. The cardboard tube always mocks me. 16 years of marriage and it still mocks me.
5. I’m ungrateful that my sweet, darling cat can’t get her shit together (pun intended) and cover up her stinky poo in her cat pan after she takes her daily dump right before we go to bed. Every night, like the clockwork of a German train schedule, she leaves me a present.
6. I’m ungrateful for the massive destruction the planet experiences- including the fires up in Reno. We lived in Reno for 12 years (are back in Southern Cal now) but my parents are still up there. So even though my parents house didn’t burn to the ground, they had pretty impressive damage to their home that day…and they are all the way out in Dayton. We have severe wind going on right now as I type and I’m expecting the power to go out any moment because of it. I sail so I know what to do with wind on the ocean in a sailboat, but locked up in a 2 story box on a steep hill in a storm where shit is getting blown at the house? I don’t know what to do with it and I just plain don’t like it.
7. I’m ungrateful for stupid people that supply me with their stupid resumes every day. (I’m a recruiter/HR type.) My mug would read:
Your Resume SUCKS.
I guess I should be grateful for all the morons though as my inbox has turned into the portal for humorous blog fodder. Gives me another platform to vent, much like your obliging comment box! http://www.resumeroasts.blogspot.com/
I’m grateful for at least one thing for sure though: fellow bloggers like YOU who make me feel like I’m not alone in my snarky world. ;0) Happy to be a new follower/stalker!
PS You better dish about the hooker ghost
Yeah, so I have nothing to say — because your list totally ROCKS all on its own!
Love that the toilet paper roll mocks you. It mocks me, too…
I can imagine that people in HR could come up with their own line of snarky mugs, just based on what you experience on a daily basis. Can’t wait to check out your blog!
And yes, there will be dead hooker ghost stories coming…
Thank you for reading, leaving a fuckin’ awesome comment and being a new follower/stalker!
I am ungrateful for the fact that I had a cold for the entire Thanksgiving week. Facebook hasn’t asked me yet if I would like to be friends with my ex or his girlfriend, but I will get rid of it the minute that it does. I am grateful for that. I guess one cancels out the other.
The creepy egg guy is a bit frightening. Those eyes really do follow you. I am ungrateful for the fact that I threw away my puffer vest a long time ago and now it is coming back. I am grateful for never having to wear a puffer vest and look Like a marshmallow ever again. I can’t stand grits, especially when they are mixed with runny eggs(ungrateful)..but I am grateful you ordered scrambled eggs and spared me that picture. Although that plate did look pretty nasty(ungrateful). So, if you tally it up I am more ungrateful..although who is keeping score.
Sounds like you and I are in much the same boat — on many fronts: a cold the week of Thanksgiving; creepy egg guy; grits and runny eggs!
I do hope you’re feeling better. And don’t be too ungrateful about the puffer vest thing…I’m sure you look far hotter without one in your life. 🙂
#4 reminds me of when I used to work in minor league baseball. We had the pass list- tickets for friends and family of the players, front office staff, manager, coaches, etc… We had to keep two lists. One was for legitimate family and friends, while the other was for groupies. That way, we’d know not to seat the wives next to the groupies. I am not joking. The players called the two lists “Wives and Hoes”.
Baseball was a very funny, weird world.
“Wives and hoes,” huh? Wow. I mean, really: WOW.
A funny, weird world indeed. I’ll bet your players were just hopeful the name of the list didn’t make it out into the mainstream…
What the fuck is that egg-like thing? It looks like a cross between Ted Bundy and Humpty Dumpty. Should I be concerned that I now harbour a desire to own one?
I think Mr Zuckerberg et al should work on a “People I shouldn’t be left alone in a room with” app, or perhaps one that matches you with individuals that you wouldn’t piss on should they ever find themselves ablaze.
Ted Bundy Dumpty has a certain ring to it — they should totally market it as such! (and yes, I’m worried about you because you want to own one…)
Facebook should also have consulted with you when naming some of their apps. “People you might not piss on should they find themselves ablaze” is sheer marketing magic right there.
You have the most endearing way of cursing. I wish I can do that more often.
Because when I do, my Dad won’t speak to me and my Mom would go into hysterics because my Dad isn’t speaking and my oldest brother would scold me about making my Mom hysterical and my second oldest sister would ask me to pray for forgiveness for making my oldest brother angry…this sentence expands up to seven other siblings and you get the point.
Anyways, I’m an exchange student in NYC so that was my first Thanksgiving. It was nice.
Seven other siblings? Nine total? Those right there are some crazy-making family dynamics, I can imagine…
Congrats on surviving — and thriving! Being an exchange student in New York must be an amazing experience.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Happy belated Thanksgiving, my snarky friend. I’m just now barely back amongst the living. Considering the turn of events my holiday took, listing what I’m ungrateful for is easy:
1. Pesky gallbladders that won’t behave and send you whimpering to the hospital for six miserable days.
I could subdivide my list into various hospital-related topics like nurses with a complete lack of bedside manners, bland food, etc. but I’ll just keep it short and simple. The good news? Flying in a few weeks suddenly seems like a piece of cake. Bring it on, I say!
And I am still going to insist that grits, when properly flavored, are delicious.
…and happy belated Thanksgiving to you, too! I’m personally grateful you are alive (how was that field trip today, anyhow?) and have such amazing stuff happening in your life to offset the shit.
I’ll bet I can list some of the things you’re grateful for: Perspective, Tara, the chance to eat grits as long as they’re not too spicy, Tara, your own bed, Tara, and so on!
Welcome back to the land of the living. We like that you’re here again!
After training for six months and running for four and a half hours in heat and humidity, you’re damn right that I want to blog about it 🙂 If my blog is documenting my life, then why shouldn’t I post an accomplishment that I am proud of? Several of my blog friends are training for runs too, so it’s a form of camaraderie.
I hear you on the annoyance though; show-off runners ruin it for the rest of us. I don’t update Facebook much anymore, but even when I did, I would never update about my training runs. I know people who do that, and they get blocked. It’s annoying. I didn’t even update after I finished the marathon. The people who needed to know about it knew, that’s all that mattered.
Ah, Jenny: Fact is, you have EVERY right to blog about it. And I’m just WAY jealous and resentful that I can’t (read: won’t) run (unless being chased).
But I’m grateful that you can see through my resentment and actually relate to the sentiment. I guess it’s like anyone — on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter — who spends their time constantly bragging: People get tired of it. So while bloggers can share their marathon accomplishments, once in a while they should show people that they suck as well. Right?
Of course, those posts (“Why I suck”) don’t typically get Freshly Pressed.
Thanks so much for the comment!
Hi I’m a freshman in high school as well as a cross country runner and I think you should legitimately try running. It is an excellent sport and I am willing to bet that even you could run a marathon with a little training. I would love to try it. At the beginning of last month I ran a half marathon and it felt great. At first i didn’t think I could do it but i tried anyway and I finished in 1:35:29. That isn’t crazy fast but I learned that I could do great things if I just gave it a shot. I think running could do the same for you.
Oh, young Austin — I admire your spunk. But your 14(?)-year-old body and my 38(?!?!)-year-old body are worlds apart!
I have no doubt that I could do it. I just have no desire to do it. Not now, at least.
And please don’t read my snark as anger toward the sport; nah, I’m just plain jealous of those who have the desire to do this. Cuz, as you’ll see in paragraph 2 (above): I have no desire to do it!
Thanks for the comment, my optimistic reader friend.
Regarding number 3 and Facebook; yes I can believe that. It was a friend recommendation from Mr Zuckerberg that led me to hubz girlfriend…you would not believe how stupid people are and the crap they will put on their “wall” thinking no one can see it! She lived 800 miles away but he was trekking out to see her under the guise of hunting trips. I would thank Mr Z for calling it to my attention it but she was a complete stranger he met thru FB so that negates it. 500 million people on Facebook and these two manage to find each other and screw around. Maybe the recommendation was was his way of trying to make up for it? 2 marriages wrecked, kids and all. Nice move Mr Z but it was too late.
Which brings me to my mug slogan recommendation: Real friends don’t need Facebook.
Guess I am feeling a little bitter today. Thanks for your post. It made me smile.
Melissa: WOW. And not in a happy, cheerful way. In the most depressing, kicked-in-the-gut way possible…
I’m so sorry for that — and for your pain. When did this happen? I swear, we need to petition a stop to Facebook so that marriages have a chance to survive. Actually, the real culprits are weak people, but Facebook provides that perfect venue for said weak people to connect.
I wish you healing. And I love your cup slogan.
You’re ALLOWED to be bitter. Never forget that. It’s part of the process — just don’t go punch a kitten or key a car, and you’ll be good.
Take care of you!
Thanks for the reply. And now for the ironic part….this happened a year ago while I was in the middle of a book proposal. It was a nonfiction story about surviving pet loss coupled with and retelling of stories from friends I made online blogging about it. It was to be about the value of online relationships. Umm, then it got a little dark….
Somewhere else in the middle my (adult) son lost his job over a photo someone else posted on Facebook. 22,000 words into this years NaNoWriMo and one long failed reconcilliation attempt later I realized there is still a story here. The good and evil of the internet in different people’s hands, I suppose. Anyway, I am starting again. I hope it is still possible to promote a book without using Facebook. Which brings to my alternate cup slogan: “Friends don’t let friends Facebook.”
Always looking to stay in touch with writers to keep me motivated and remind one can make a living at it, so I’ll see you around!
Oh…the irony!!! More proof that sometimes, you just can’t make this shit up, right? Well, if you don’t mind, I’m going to keep your story handy. I have a book idea that might just include a series of essays, and I think yours is brilliant. Hopefully, some good can come from it all…
And I love your book idea. The Internet truly is the best of ties, and the worst of ties. It provides connections never before imagined — and yet it provides connections never before imagined. 😉
I look forward to seeing you around. Perhaps we can motivate one another!
I don’t mind at all. Oh, the essays I can share…so many angry ones that are just tons of fun. I post on a private site with a password and a public site that is actually about pet loss and animal rescue but got comandeered during those dark days. I am resisting the urge to do that again. Unfortunately that has meant filling in with some pretty average stuff just to keep it going.
I see the book as a little more peaceful but based on feedback the anger and sarcasm hit some notes too. I am not quite sure what to do with that old stuff. Refined and edited properly, it could be pretty moving or at the very least it has value for me personally as a journal to tap into what I was feeling at the time. I will forget that pain stuff eventually–right?
I am going to see if I can figure out how to contact you outside of this comment thread and I’ll send you some links if you’d like. I am a decent editor but probably not so much when it comes to my own work
I can only imagine, Melissa — I have plenty of writings too from the days “after.” And yes, you’ll forget the pain stuff eventually. I think. I hope…
Loving the list! You have, in fact, inspired me to start my own to keep myself sane… One quick question though because I grew up in England, what on earth are grits?
Oh, you don’t want to know. They’re like the corn-infused cousin of Cream of Wheat or Malt-o-Meal (don’t know if you have those in England — but imagine oatmeal run through a blender…).
But they taste like air. With nubbies.
Consider yourself lucky to be from England. And you’ll definitely have to share your sanity list someday!
Jeez I gotta laugh, you have completely captured WHY people gotta blog… Cause you can share all the fun you have… Damn poor you sitting next to that lady.. Gawd if it was me, I would have been almost sobbing!
So you had a grown man sitting in your lap the intire trip? Know how you feel! My fiancé is sooo scared of airplanes, and he would be doing excatly the same thing.. Poor guys.. 😀
Oh, so you definitely know how I feel. Always nice to meet someone who can commiserate. It just makes me laugh, the level of irrationality this fear of flying reaches. I adore my boyfriend, but when he braces his feet against the seat in front of him and holds the hand rests like they’re his most prized possessions in the world, I have to ask him: What good will that do if we go down?
He hates that question.
Good luck to you with your fiance! Try in-flight Bloody Marys — I highly recommend them! (for you and him, by the way…)
first of all Happy Christmas holiday in advance. I don’t know why am here and what to write.
OK ! i make it simple! I am not here because of any Article in your Blog and also i don’t have any idea to share. Why i am here? is just an Accident. in the way of search i found you (your blog). your bright and breezy Eyes hold me like somebody take out my soul from my body. then i start reading and reading and…………………………………..
I just want to share my feelings.
but anyway thanks
I’m glad you stopped by!
That guy freaks me out too!
Good to know I’m not alone, Hook!